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I
have been thinking lately of how I have changed. It has been more of a
mental change, a total rethinking of my attitude. The past year was
very rough for me, with the ultimate loss of our house. I think losing
the house has been the biggest thing that has changed me. While we were
in the foreclosure process, I was consumed with worry. My every thought
concerned the house and how to save it. I bought the house myself when
I was single, knowing I would soon marry the love of my life. But I did
it all on my own. I was quite proud of myself for purchasing my home, a
new home I had built with choices of interior design. But after 13
years calling this place my home, we lost it. And at first I was
terrified. There was nothing we could have done differently that would
have prevented us from losing our home. Just check out the foreclosure
statistics where you live, or read the sheriff sale's posting in your
newspaper. Its horrifying.
This
is where the changing comes in. Just days after losing our home, we
found a great place to rent. Its in the same school district for my
son, its closer to my work, and it is twice as big as what we had. At
first, I was waiting for something bad to happen. When you live under
such a dark cloud for so long, you don't really expect good things to
happen. But happen they did. And I started to realize how strong I am
mentally. This was the worse possible event I have lived through. And
not only did I live through it, I feel I became a stronger person for
it. I realized it doesn't matter what you have, it matters who shares
your life with you. To me that would be my husband and children. It
doesn't matter where we live, if we own or rent, we are still together.
I thought to myself, if I make it through that, there is really nothing
that limits what I can achieve. I don't have to let people walk all
over me. I don't need acceptance so bad that I give up my principles to
ensure that acceptance. Sometimes I am shocked myself when I stand up
for myself now. I can remember a time I would have backed down and
conceded to whoever I was dealing with. I am alot happier now also. I
find myself smiling alot and having people comment on happy I am. I
don't even have to say anything, they can just tell how happy I am.
This might not be the direction I thought my life would go, but I can
honestly say I like these changes. When I hear someone say something
derogatory about me, I have to wonder, what is their motivation?
Sometimes the person is simply having a bad day and I can excuse that.
We all have bad days. There was a time when words would hurt me deeply
and I would withdraw into myself. I would think, this person wouldn't
say that if it wasn't true. I would doubt myself and my intentions.
Now, I see clearly. I know who I am and I know what is in my heart.
Words do not hurt me so much anymore. Because they are simply words. If
it conflicts with what I know about myself, I totally discount the
words. I will no longer question myself or my feelings. I know who I am
and I know what my life is about.
I
laugh more now. I find amusement in many things. I laugh at myself and
the goofy things I do. Believe me, I do many goofy things in the course
of a day.
Today
I had a customer, he was obviously mad and I was getting ready to go on
break. I had already turned out my light when he got in my line. I
calmly said, Sir I am closing. He started waving his hands and said he
was not going in HIS line because he has his head up his ass. I told
him OK, I will ring you up. When I was finished with him he thanked me
for being courteous. I told him I was glad I didn't have my head up my
ass because I didn't think I would like the view. He laughed. And he
said to me, you took my bad mood, my anger and turned it completely
around.
