I finally broke down and went to a psychiatrist. I have been to many therapists over the years but I never felt they were effective. After my latest setback when I seriously considered suicide I contacted a place that does psych evals. The psychiatrist is a man which I wasn't sure was good for me. I tend to not want to talk to men. But he was very good, set me at ease. After he talked to me he said we would have a consultation with the head of the department, another psychiatrist. He was an older man, soft spoken. After talking to both of them and going over what I had discussed with the first psychiatrist, the older one determined I have PTSD. Mainly from my childhood where I suffered prolonged mental abuse and perhaps something else as well. Because I have a lot of nightmares I was prescribed something that stops the nightmares and the adrenaline rush at night. It's actually a high blood pressure medicine. It has helped with the nightmares but I feel groggy all the time! I am still not sleeping well, getting to sleep around 4 in the morning. I go back in January to see the psychiatrist for counseling. I feel comfortable going there so it's a good match for me. On monday I got together with my mother in law and two of her daughters to make cookies. I didn't feel like making cookies but I thought the family time would do me good. I just have so many negative thoughts when I am around people. And I know these thoughts are not the actuallity. I try to stop them but I am not successful at stopping them yet. Any mental illness tends to scare people. They don't really want to talk about it or how I feel. So I pretend. After having a get together like this, it leaves me emotionally drained. Last night I got to sleep around 11 but when I woke up early, i just didn't want to get up. So I dozed off and on until noon. In the good news department I got a "new" car. We had bought our previous car at an auto auction. We paid like $800 for it. Right away we had to replace the radiator. It did not have heat. The heater core was bad and to replace that it costs over $1000. It had many issues! So I researched local car dealers and vehicles they had. Getting approved for a loan would be our stubbling block. But we did! We got a GMC envoy with lots of bells and whistles with our payments less then $200 a month, within our budget! The insurance didn't go up a lot either, still within our budget. I feel much safer driving now and I love SUV's. Today I am just relaxing, crocheting and watching TV. I need downtime after being around people.