Part I. Staring in the mirror at my naked body before my shower last night, I came to the conclusion that my lifelong pursuit of looking buff will never come to pass. For 50 years, I've done everything: pull-ups, push-ups, weights, sit-ups, boxing, running, maul splitting.... It's hopeless. I give up. I'm not going to kill myself anymore. I'll "maintain", but not attempt to pursue the body I've always desired. The days of "no pain, no gain", are gone. The struggle is over. Good riddance.

Part II. Shortly after my shower, I was reading a book and not understanding much at all about what the author was saying. (I'm "coming out" on this admittance, so bear with me.) From the beginning (almost biblical), I've been interested in science--or at least I thought I was, or should be. The subject was relatively tough for me (as was math), but I doggedly took all the heavy duty science subjects I could, right through college and beyond. I never understood or questioned why. Oh, the pain and agony.

I became a science teacher with the lofty goal of passing my love of science on to others. (I won't go into why I love science--I'm not really sure.) In those years of teaching, and now, 10 years into retirement, I still find myself reading "all things science". Gotta keep up in a rapidly advancing subject, I say to myself.

One subject that always interested me was evolution. My most recent book is Daniel Dennett's "Darwin's Dangerous Idea--Evolution and the Meanings of Life". I've been killing myself trying to understand what the hell he's talking about. I've been there before--hundreds of times--trying to comprehend Stephen Jay Gould, Richard Dawkins, Carl Sagen, even Charles Darwin, himself. About half way through the book, it hit me. BANG. Epiphany #2 for the evening. Why am I doing this to myself? What am I trying to prove? To whom am I trying to impress?

Just like trying to build a body that wasn't meant to be "remodeled", I've been trying to build a brain that is only capable of understanding so much information. I'm not a brainiac. Never was, never will be. I've always been a "wannabe". And I've always known my limitations. I'm a "B student", striving for "A" status. All my life I've read the classics trying to improve my knowledge and intelligence, thinking that the more difficult the subject, the greater the reward (more smarts). It just ain't gonna happen. I've spent 5 evenings plowing through Dennett's book, and I understood maybe 5% of what I read. One percent per night is a waste of time. And I wasn't enjoying myself one bit. It was hard work.

So the time has come. Discontinue the charade. Abandon the cause. "I yam what I yam" (Popeye). Like the good people of Lake Woebegone, I'm a little above average. I'm never going to be way above average. From now on, I'm exercising for good health, not to be a He-man. I'm reading and learning for the fun of it, not to become smarter. Just let it be. I've seen the light, and I'm feeling much better.