Randy

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Username:: solitaire
Name:: Randy
Location:: Rossville, IN
Birthday:: 03/24
Status:: Single
Job / Career:: Human Resources

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Parenting & Family > Fatherhood > Dear Son

Dear Son

Merry Christmas! I envy you living in Santa Cruz (CA) this time of year. The weather has to be much better than what we're having. I know you can always drive to the Sierras to enjoy snow boarding, whenever you want to play in the snow.
I'm sorry you won't be coming home for Christmas. I miss you. It's been three years since I've seen you. And except for when I've called you on your birthdays, I haven't even spoken to you. In fact, you don't return my emails. Why is that?

Have you found a job since being laid off from Wachovia over two years ago? That has to be rough. But, being the son of your father, you're probably surviving on little money!
Any employment prospects? Since you decided not to go to college, the job market is limited, I suppose.

I've offered to buy a plane ticket back to Indiana for you, but you haven't responded one way or another. Gee, it would be nice to see my only son. Let's see, you'll soon be 28. Hard to believe. You haven't gotten married without telling me, have you?! Still have a couple of roommates? Are you eating okay? What kind of cook are you?

I'd be happy to come out and visit anytime. Just say the word. I don't want to force myself on you. Like you, I went out to California after college to teach. I wanted to get away from stodgy ol' Indiana to seek adventure and fortune. Maybe, subconsciously, I wanted to escape my father's criticisms, also. But I missed my mother, hated the smog, and moved back after 7 years. This is home. And just like old times, my dad is still critical! I hope I'm not like that towards you.

I've always kept my opinions to myself regarding your life pursuits. I know you're a loner. I just wish you would communicate with your father. Remember, you'll always be my son, and I love you.

Dad

posted on Dec 17, 2010 6:47 AM ()

Comments:

I just saw this now and am so sorry that you're going through this. My two cents - edit the remarks about college, the no contact stuff and really emphasize how strong your feelings are and send it to him. You said he's sensitive, so he probably would respond if you write him a letter like the one above. Some people just need to see things spelled out very specifically. Do you get news about him from your daughters? I hope you were able to talk to him on Christmas. If not, maybe you should pop in on him. I'm sure you could find some kind of volunteer opportunity close enough to him that you could use as an "I was just in the neighborhood..."

comment by catdancer on Jan 4, 2011 11:31 AM ()

comment by crazylife on Dec 19, 2010 8:14 PM ()

(((((((((((((((((( Randy )))))))))))))))))))

My adopted daughter that is so independent that lives in Sacramento we hardly ever talk or see each other, but I know she loves me and I miss her. It must be so painful not to even get hugs or hello's at all, from you only son!! I am Mom to a couple of other kids and WOW just how I had to grow up in the system, since age 11. We need and want our parents!!

I find it strange he wants nothing from you....he may be extremely depressed, suffering other mental or physical ailments and not know how to voice his needs/reach out for help?? I just hope he picks up on Christmas when his 3 sisters and all of you are together to make that call!!

It is what it is....I have to say family dynamics and all....
Be well and HO HO HO to you and yours Randy!!!
love Barb

comment by darkstar on Dec 19, 2010 1:59 PM ()

Hello Barb! Every now and then, from out of the blue, you pop in. I love it! Yes, Darin has his "blue" periods--at least in high school. So you might be right. He has every reason to be depressed--no family nearby, no job, no girl friend, just lonely. Then again, it might just be the way he is. Thanks for the "advice". And a very merry christmas to you, too!!

reply by solitaire on Dec 20, 2010 5:20 AM ()

That brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye. I hope your son reads it.

comment by redimpala on Dec 18, 2010 7:07 PM ()

All you can do is keep the channels open and let him know just how much you love and miss him.

reply by redimpala on Dec 19, 2010 6:21 AM ()

While I've never actually written anything like this to my son, I have tried to convey my continuing interest and love for him. I have no clue as to his reaction. Perhaps disgust, maybe guilt. The longer he goes ignoring me, the harder it might be to make contact. I'll call him on Christmas.

reply by solitaire on Dec 19, 2010 5:42 AM ()

Randy, I am in tears after reading this. My youngest son lives four doors up from me and cherishes his Mother, thank goodness. If you could read some of his posts on Facebook you would understand. My oldest son lives in Idaho and we talk frequently and I was out there for a week in October. I cannot imagine not being in touch with my two boys. My heart cries for you and your son. Maybe he will realize one day what he is missing.

comment by gapeach on Dec 18, 2010 5:45 PM ()

Kind words--much appreciated. It hurts, but what can I do. That's the way he is. And he didn't get it from me. I used to write or call my parents every week when I went to college and California. That's what I don't understand.

reply by solitaire on Dec 19, 2010 5:37 AM ()

comment by anacoana on Dec 17, 2010 5:33 PM ()

I was thinking about this very thing yesterday - is Randy going to write to his son and invite him home for Christmas, and what a challenge it is to say what you feel without coming across as critical of his choices, I even thought of the parallels between your relationship with your own dad. Must have been ESP. Hugs and best wishes that you'll get together sometime soon.

comment by troutbend on Dec 17, 2010 2:11 PM ()

Perhaps I felt your ESP vibes. Christmas is always tough when 3 of my 4 kids won't be present. I offer to fly them home, but.... Thanks for the good thoughts.

reply by solitaire on Dec 18, 2010 5:01 AM ()

comment by marta on Dec 17, 2010 12:40 PM ()

Leave out the bit about college and mail this today.

I hope you hear from him soon.

comment by nittineedles on Dec 17, 2010 11:53 AM ()

These are simply my thoughts--no mailing period.

reply by solitaire on Dec 18, 2010 4:59 AM ()

I also thought the remark about college was not needed. But you are posting this and maybe you wanted us to know -- it's an oblique thing but if you wrote it to him, he might think "same ole, same ole," although you say you have kept your opinions to yourself re. his life's choices. Maybe not as much as you think. Still, you made an effort here. That has to count with him in some way. Hope you hear from him.

comment by tealstar on Dec 17, 2010 11:46 AM ()

Like I said, this is not a real letter to him. I certainly wouldn't say negative things. He's pretty sensitive. My door is always open.

reply by solitaire on Dec 18, 2010 4:58 AM ()

Very touching there Randy.Guess you and I almost in the same boat.
My son lives here in Concord ad will not have anything to do with me.
Sad but that is the way that he wanted.He knows that I detest his wife no.3
she is a pothead and want nothing to do with her.
He will be 50 next month and have not heard from any of the other ones.
But that story there that you post is very touching and do hope that you get to hear from him soon.It is tough as you do not know if he is fine and working etc.Good luck .My heart goes out to you.

comment by fredo on Dec 17, 2010 9:30 AM ()

It is indeed sad and hurtful, but, like you, I'm learning to get along without him in my life. Thanks for the empathy and sympathy.

reply by solitaire on Dec 18, 2010 4:55 AM ()

My sister stopped all communication with my parents a few years ago. It was very painful for my mother. I, therefore, feel for you.

p.s. Have you ever googled him? We used to do that with my sister, just to make sure she was okay.

comment by juliansmom on Dec 17, 2010 9:12 AM ()

Never thought of googling him. He's not a computer person--doesn't own one. That's one of his excuses for not corresponding.

reply by solitaire on Dec 18, 2010 4:53 AM ()

For some reason--the idea o 'masculinity'?---fathers and sons are never as close as mothers and daughters.
You may or may not realize it but that 'you'll always be my son and I love you' is VERY important for him to read

comment by greatmartin on Dec 17, 2010 8:35 AM ()

True--and thanks.

reply by solitaire on Dec 18, 2010 4:52 AM ()

I hope you hear from him Randy.

comment by elderjane on Dec 17, 2010 8:32 AM ()

When the family is here for Christmas, perhaps we'll try to all call him. That will ease the pressure.

reply by solitaire on Dec 18, 2010 4:51 AM ()

Since you decided not to go to college, the job market is limited, I suppose.

To me, that line is critical... While u both know it's true, it doesn't need to be said.

The rest is nice! I hope he responds..

comment by kristilyn3 on Dec 17, 2010 7:41 AM ()

Of course, I would never actually say that to him.

reply by solitaire on Dec 18, 2010 4:50 AM ()

I was thinking the same thing but was unsure whether or not to point it out. Thanks for taking the chance for me.

reply by juliansmom on Dec 17, 2010 9:12 AM ()

comment by meranda on Dec 17, 2010 7:36 AM ()

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Dear Son