Profile
Photos
Comments
(AP, UPI, Reuters, CNN, The National Enquirer)
Responding to repeated requests, many of which were met with expletive strewn cries of "(blank), its nunya (blanking) bidness", Poobah Candidate Honey J. Bugg (Who Gives A Shit-West By God) has reluctantly released her medical records. Dr. Jawaharal S. Whalebutt, MD, Ms. Bugg's personal physician, held a news conference today to explain Ms. Bugg's myriad health issues and why, in his opinion, she wouldn't last a week in the Oval Office.
Dr. Whalebutt(in voice of Apu): "She is a complete wreck. You would be better off voting for my 90 year old grandmother." Among the items Dr. Whalebutt enumerated as being a "disaster" were Ms. Bugg's continuing heart issues, weight problem, arthritic conditions and general crankiness. The details of the report are as follows:
Name: Honey Jasper Mary Margaret Inconsolata Bugg.
Chronological Age: 54
Physical Age: 84
Height: 5'10 (or mebee less)
Weight: 200 and (mumble mumble) pounds
Heart: Barely beating....wicked(medical term) irregular heart beat with scaring indicating at least one heart attack.
Blood Pressure: Stand back, her head's gonna blow off any minute.
Cholesterol: One more Wendy's Triple Cheeseburger away from the "Big One".
Body Mass: Enough left over for two other people.
Joint and Skeletal System: It's a wonder she's still afoot.
Kidney and Digestive System: Pees like a race horse , has enough heartburn to heat the house for the winter, enought gas and flatulence to inflate a fleet of Goodyear Blimps and spends most of her day "reading" in the "library".
Brain function: Barely readable.
Liver: Enlarged
Gall Bladder: Missing
Mental State: Paranoid, distrustful, unreasonable , anxious, bombastic, annoying, bullying, control freak. Would no doubt have us at war with Switzerland before a month was out.
Currently on numerous medications, 90% of which warn of dizziness, against taking with alcohol, and/or driving or operating heavy machinery.
Prognosis: Most likely will not live out first six months, let alone first term.
After the press conference, Dr. Whalebutt is seen taking hefty manilla envelopes from representatives who appear to be from the Obama, Clinton and McCain campaigns.
