I find my thoughts wandering. One minute I'm thinking how much I miss him and the next I'm realizing that my guts were right all along. He never did really love me the way he promised to love me.

Now that he's single or whatever, he's doing all of the things I would have loved him to do when we're together. He's spending money on clothes and looking nice. He's taking weekends off from work to go on trips, he's renovating the house, he keeps the house clean, he's spending more quality time with the kids....and having 4 hour conversations with a woman who according to him "is just a friend, doesn't mean anything, just someone to talk to". You all know that he never wanted to talk to me. Yet he claims that he did his best. According to him: I'm the one who wasn't happy. I'm the one who had the online affair two years ago. I'm the one who moved out. I'm the one who bought my own place." He's got it all figured out. How to free himself from all guilt and all the burden that I must have been to him.

I picture in my head how many times I tried to talk with him about something, anything...just wanting a companion. Here is the tape recorder I hear: What do you want me to say? What do you want to talk about? I'm not thinking about anything.Sorry, what did you say? I don't know what to say. I'm not really a phone person.

And the clincher from just a day or so before I left " You don't deserve me to be the best husband, because you're not a good wife."

It just about sums it up...

He never even called yesterday afternoon to say goodbye to the kids as promised before he left on his 3 day trip. Then he called this morning and was real curt with me "I called to talk to the kids."

So although I apparently have auto pilot on which my body ran today, I walked about feeling broken and empty inside. We went to the craft store. I got my hair done for the first time in at least 6 months. I made a return to Walmart. I saw my sister. I did all the things Mommies are supposed to do.

But man do I feel completely unlovable and vulnerable.