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Many Sides Of G

Life & Events > Relationships > Spitting Venom, See Me at My Worst

Spitting Venom, See Me at My Worst

It's been a long time since my emotional state of mind has been as low and unsafe as it got tonight. I know you all don't see this side of me that is irrational and angry and sad and honestly needs help.

Today I alienated A and my sister. I know what they say is true because they both say it. I am irrational. I push people away. I expect too much.

Here it is, exposing myself to the blogging world as the asshole I really am. Here is an entry from my letter to my sister after I walked out of her house after alienating her. She's better off without me in her life bringing her down. She's got her own problems. A's better off without me too obviously, same reasons. He's super-duper happy daddy! And I'm a miserable bitch.

"I admit that I'm not rational right now but you of all people should understand that and help me through it. I may be pushing away because I feel unlovable but feel free to prove me wrong. I am truly sorry for making you feel like I didn't want to be with you because you were happy or that I feel you 've been handed things on a silver platter, neither of us have. You've had your problems, I've had mine..many the same, many different but the point is that I am the one who needs support right now. I wish you could just put your own problems aside for a minute and just help me. Maybe that's selfish but I honestly just see it as doing for me what I've done for you and so many others in the past. When I'm feeling this weak and this unlovable and this close to the edge and this insecure, then yes, you do need to prove your love to me. And if I was worth it, you wouldn't mind. How can I expect someone else to love me like this if my own sister can't. I can't. So there again, I feel. I f***ed up. How dare I think I deserved or could have more happiness than I had. I can't. I f***ed up and now I need to rebuild. I was hoping I'd have love and friends and family to get me through. So far I get a whole bunch of you and Kori (the only ones I have) telling me you have other things to do. I know it's true but I just once in my life want to be f***ing first on someones list. Why do people have to think I'm so f***ing strong that I don't need the support? I'm not strong. I play a good game. I put on the mask but I'm dying inside right now. I wasn't even sure I was safe after leaving your house. I took one pill but thought about taking more. I'm safe now. Thank God for anxiety meds and prayer. K said to me the day we moved the beds. The only one you can count on is yourself. Every day I learn how true that is but unfortunately I don't find myself very good company or comforting. Sorry I left like that. I know I'm a total disfunctional asshole, but still and all...I'm your sister/best friend asshole..."

I sobbed, I cried, I choked and definitely didn't eat the sub I wasted $5 on. I lit every white candle in the house and I got on my knees and prayed to help, prayed for strength, prayed to feel full. Prayed to get through the night.

P.S. don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm safe.

posted on Apr 15, 2008 8:47 PM ()


Take a breathe and look at yourself in the mirror- see how strong and beautiful you really are. When I went through this I wanted to be by myself- the sad thing is I stayed that way - I enjoy being alone now. I loved to take walks- I choose to read- can you find something anything that could help you get through the day? I hope you can! I wish I had more advice but you need to be strong and find your own path -make sure you keep communicating your feelings don't hold any hurt/anger back!
comment by mytwoloves on Apr 20, 2008 4:57 AM ()
Hug are worth is!
comment by ocean1 on Apr 19, 2008 7:01 PM ()
Oh my! I hope you're ok. Know that we're here whenever you're ready to talk
comment by spicybitch on Apr 16, 2008 5:44 PM ()
Check your inbox, Miss Gwen. Know that we all love you, are all rooting for you, even when you're not rooting for yourself. And no, my dear, we don't see you the way that you see yourself.
comment by janetk on Apr 16, 2008 11:08 AM ()
Gwen, we all hit times in our lives when we are weak and strike at those around us. It is a natural instinct to do so. The people who love you will accept it as that and move on.
comment by lunarhunk on Apr 16, 2008 9:04 AM ()
Another thing for you to maybe do... write a list of your positives, at a time when you are seeing them clearly, and keep that somewhere safe so that you can look at it when you get like this.
You are lovable. We all are. Hang in there...
AND I love teacherwomans advice... step outside yourself and focus on others... I have done this and it DOES help!
comment by kristilyn3 on Apr 16, 2008 7:08 AM ()
Okay, my dear friend. I know where you are. I actually had moved to Florida with a child and one on the way just to be close to my brother and his family. He had the audacity to tell me not to come over so much, not understanding that I needed my family -- I thought. The truth is, you don't need people telling you that they love you, you need to love you! I'm going to give you the best piece of advise I can as someone who remembers crying myself to sleep over months of pain and separation -- go find something else to do! When I got involved DOING things like helping other people and with school, etc. I stopped keeping my eye on myself and started thinking about other people and somewhere in all that, I lost the self-doubt and got better. That's when I started finding out who I was. Look I'm there for you. You hang on. Go volunteer at your kid's school or get involved taking a free class or something. Do something else! It will open you up to a whole new world. Personally that summer I taught Vacation Bible School at my church for several weeks and had a ball. It helps. Love ya.
comment by teacherwoman on Apr 16, 2008 6:22 AM ()
comment by jondude on Apr 16, 2008 6:08 AM ()
comment by texastar on Apr 15, 2008 11:33 PM ()
Gwen, I wish I could be there for you to give you a big hug. I am so sorry you are hurting and you are not any of the things you mentioned in your letter. We all need someone sometimes and it is good that you are able to ask for it. You can't get what you don't ask for. If you need me, please let me know and I'll give you my number. I don't have a sister and don't know what it is like to be one but I will try to be there for you if you need me. We are in the same boat and I have felt the same way.
comment by frogfenatic on Apr 15, 2008 10:16 PM ()
comment by hopefields on Apr 15, 2008 10:12 PM ()

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