It's been a long time since my emotional state of mind has been as low and unsafe as it got tonight. I know you all don't see this side of me that is irrational and angry and sad and honestly needs help.

Today I alienated A and my sister. I know what they say is true because they both say it. I am irrational. I push people away. I expect too much.

Here it is, exposing myself to the blogging world as the asshole I really am. Here is an entry from my letter to my sister after I walked out of her house after alienating her. She's better off without me in her life bringing her down. She's got her own problems. A's better off without me too obviously, same reasons. He's super-duper happy daddy! And I'm a miserable bitch.



"I admit that I'm not rational right now but you of all people should understand that and help me through it. I may be pushing away because I feel unlovable but feel free to prove me wrong. I am truly sorry for making you feel like I didn't want to be with you because you were happy or that I feel you 've been handed things on a silver platter, neither of us have. You've had your problems, I've had mine..many the same, many different but the point is that I am the one who needs support right now. I wish you could just put your own problems aside for a minute and just help me. Maybe that's selfish but I honestly just see it as doing for me what I've done for you and so many others in the past. When I'm feeling this weak and this unlovable and this close to the edge and this insecure, then yes, you do need to prove your love to me. And if I was worth it, you wouldn't mind. How can I expect someone else to love me like this if my own sister can't. I can't. So there again, I feel. I f***ed up. How dare I think I deserved or could have more happiness than I had. I can't. I f***ed up and now I need to rebuild. I was hoping I'd have love and friends and family to get me through. So far I get a whole bunch of you and Kori (the only ones I have) telling me you have other things to do. I know it's true but I just once in my life want to be f***ing first on someones list. Why do people have to think I'm so f***ing strong that I don't need the support? I'm not strong. I play a good game. I put on the mask but I'm dying inside right now. I wasn't even sure I was safe after leaving your house. I took one pill but thought about taking more. I'm safe now. Thank God for anxiety meds and prayer. K said to me the day we moved the beds. The only one you can count on is yourself. Every day I learn how true that is but unfortunately I don't find myself very good company or comforting. Sorry I left like that. I know I'm a total disfunctional asshole, but still and all...I'm your sister/best friend asshole..."




I sobbed, I cried, I choked and definitely didn't eat the sub I wasted $5 on. I lit every white candle in the house and I got on my knees and prayed to help, prayed for strength, prayed to feel full. Prayed to get through the night.

P.S. don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm safe.