For the first time since I was staying at my Mom's house, I have really had time to think today. I guess this means I'm "settled" in my new home. I'm all caught up on things to do.
So I've had time to think, but I can't exactly say what it is I'm thinking about. It's not a conscious effort, it's an invasion of thought about various things that leave me feeling anxious and sad. It's about realizations that this is all real.
I hate that sometimes when I see A I want to hug him. I hate that it seems he's doing better with being apart than I am. I hate being scared that I'm not going to be able to provide for me kids in the way I've always been able to. I'm determined that they won't suffer for this.
I really hate that my mind keeps reverting back to the past when I know that this is useless and I most focus on the future. I must stop the "I wish" and the "if only" 's! I can't turn back time and everything happens for a reason.
I trust and yet I'm scared.
I'm human therefore I want.
I'm impatient so I want now.
I'm a girl who changes her mind.
Now I want what I had before.
Before I gave away what I now want.
But I don't want it that way.
I want it my way.