Gwen

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gwensgifts
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Gwen
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Many Sides Of G

Life & Events > Relationships > Time to Think
 

Time to Think

For the first time since I was staying at my Mom's house, I have really had time to think today. I guess this means I'm "settled" in my new home. I'm all caught up on things to do.

So I've had time to think, but I can't exactly say what it is I'm thinking about. It's not a conscious effort, it's an invasion of thought about various things that leave me feeling anxious and sad. It's about realizations that this is all real.

I hate that sometimes when I see A I want to hug him. I hate that it seems he's doing better with being apart than I am. I hate being scared that I'm not going to be able to provide for me kids in the way I've always been able to. I'm determined that they won't suffer for this.

I really hate that my mind keeps reverting back to the past when I know that this is useless and I most focus on the future. I must stop the "I wish" and the "if only" 's! I can't turn back time and everything happens for a reason.

I trust and yet I'm scared.
I'm human therefore I want.
I'm impatient so I want now.
I'm a girl who changes her mind.
Now I want what I had before.
Before I gave away what I now want.
But I don't want it that way.
I want it my way.
Silly human.
Silly girl.

posted on Apr 13, 2008 7:08 PM ()

Comments:

Yes, definitely sounds like you're going through the grieving period. It's not easy that's for sure. Hang in there..
comment by artisticgypsy on Apr 15, 2008 12:50 PM ()
You are just going through a withdrawal period. You have to find yourself in the midst of the separation. When you do, what you will find is strength and confidence you never knew you had. When my husband and I got back together after 3 years of separation, he knew that I was a different woman. I was with him because I wanted to be, not because I needed him. I've learned that I'm self-reliant and I learned that through that horrible separation. By the way, I had a 4 year old and one on the way, but I found myself in the midst of the storm.You will to!
comment by teacherwoman on Apr 15, 2008 11:04 AM ()
I know it probably bittersweet, but you will certainly be the winner when it's over.!!!!
comment by cindy on Apr 14, 2008 8:47 PM ()
it's soooo hard starting a new sometimes...
Can you make a list of the reasons you left to remind yourself in times when your brain takes on these thoughts?
I feel for ya... it's hard...
comment by kristilyn3 on Apr 14, 2008 8:28 AM ()
comment by gwensgifts on Apr 14, 2008 7:55 AM ()
*Not* a silly girl...sensitive, passionate, BEAUTIFUL girl who has just undergone a huge transformation and needs time to absorb it all.We're all here for you, Gwen.
comment by janetk on Apr 14, 2008 6:18 AM ()
gwen, I know you have the strength inside of you, lean on us, your friends for help,for encouragement. I want you to one day look back on this time and say, that was the best thing I ever did for myself and my kids. I believe that already in my heart. I believe happiness will find you. Take your time in creating this 'new' gwen. Love every part of yourself, feel yourself growing as a woman. I am a good judge of people and I think you are quite fantastic!
comment by elkhound on Apr 13, 2008 8:40 PM ()
I can understand why you are having the feelings you are having. I know it probably doesn't help to hear me tell you that it is pretty normal. I wish I had something that could make it all better.
AJ
comment by lunarhunk on Apr 13, 2008 8:07 PM ()

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