Things always look better in the day light. All day long I was positive, busy, productive. I was also tired from a short six hours sleep last night. As soon as dusk sets, soon after he picks up the kids, it hits. The sadness, the lonliness, the grief, the fear and the anxiety.
I'm again reminded of the story my Mom's told me a hundred times when I was trying to give up my pacifier. I cried and I cried, but my mom was there to rub my back and play with my hair to reassure me that I would get to sleep and that I would be o.k. I doubted her and cried again that if I could have just ONE little suck of my pacifier, I just knew that I could get to sleep.
I feel like this tonight. If I could just have one more night of his warm body next to mine. If I could just feel my feet entwined with his one more time... Then I would be able to sleep.
Everything has changed so much. I stopped to his house tonight and I saw that our bedroom has been completely redone in a beautiful spring green walls and light oak hardwood floor. He promised that to me last Summer. I saw he went shopping for new dress clothes today. He is going out tomorrow night and dressing up like he did when we were in high school. He's selling his snowmobiles and his truck. He's happy. If _Shmif- but really...WHY couldn't he have done all these things before?
Just wasn't meant to be, but how sad that still seems to me.
He's going away skiing this weekend. 2nd trip since we've been separated for 2 months, 3rd trip in 3 months...I can't complain because he's been more than generous but I also guess I can't help feeling jealousy and resentment. I feel like he's living the life and I just don't know where to begin.