Do you believe in God? I used to. I used to really believe in the supreme being and all that entails. I lost my faith. It wasn’t an all of sudden transition. There is one defining moment where I started questioning my faith. It’s very personal and filled with deep heartbreak. It was not the death of my Father, who struggled his whole life with his own demons and chose to drown them in whiskey. He died from complications of leukemia. It was not the sudden deterioration of my Mom, suffering from Alzheimer’s. Watching her change from the vibrant, loving, full of life person into a shell of what she used to be. I don’t visit Mom much, it’s too hard. I love her with every fiber of my being but seeing her this way is like a knife through my heart. It was not the loss of my job, a bad job that I absolutely hated but endured to help pay the bills. That was actually a relief in some ways losing that job, the stress, the horrible hours I worked, never being able to spend time with my hubby or son. I do not blame god for any of those things. They are things that just happen in everyone’s life. My questioning began because of an incident that happened between me and a friend. This is my problem. Christians who proclaim they are saved by the blood of Christ and then partake of evil actions. How can I reconcile my feelings of God if this behavior is acceptable to Him? I gave up on my faith. It was doing me no good whatsoever. There is good and bad in this world and I don’t think there is a god up there sorting out who is who. There have been very bad things that have happened in my life and I do not believe God was punishing me for anything. There have also been very good things and likewise I do not accept that god has anything to do with that. I have come to believe we are just here, not through some cosmic ‘created the world in 7 days’ sort of thing. If a person can profess to be a Christian and live by God’s example, then why do they still do the most evil things? Is it because they know if they repent and ask forgiveness, they will receive it? Well I am sorry but that does not make much sense to me. I used to pray, for friends and family, for people who were going through a rough time, for those battling sickness and disease. I cannot see where one time my prayers helped at all. Perhaps it gave comfort to someone when I said, I will keep you in my prayers.

Then there is the situation in which I was fired from my job. At the hands of another Christian I was put on the chopping block. She lied and threatened and put my boss against the wall, figuratively. Her daughter had been fired and the official reason was attendance. The unofficial reason was theft. My getting fired did not help this woman’s daughter, she did not get her job back. She just wanted someone else to hurt as well. How does she reconcile that with God?

I cannot believe in a God when there are so many hypocrites that on the outside they are good Christians. On the inside they are filled with worms and darkness. I do miss my faith, it is on my mind often. But I just cannot bring myself to welcome god back into my life when I don’t think he exists.

This is my opinion and my opinion only. I do not fault anyone for their belief or faith.