Randy

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Username:: solitaire
Name:: Randy
Location:: Rossville, IN
Birthday:: 03/24
Status:: Single
Job / Career:: Human Resources

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Parenting & Family > Fatherhood > Letter to Father

Letter to Father

Dear Dad,

In five months, you'll be 93 years old. And while I would never say what I'm about to say to your face (or actual letter), I have a few things to get off my chest.

I got to thinking about this the other day when sister Barb brought you out to my house (for the first time in 4 months--6 miles away). After you left, I felt very despondent. Here's why.

I am sick and tired of defending myself from your constant, life-long critcisms. Rather than commenting on how nice the house and yard look, you start nit-picking. "You need to fix your back yard" (new septic area); "What do you need with all that firewood. You need to quit that chain saw foolishness"; "You should sell your house. It's too big for you"; then, "You should hire a house cleaner. Your sister moved out because it is unsanitary."; "If you wouldn't play so much golf, you could keep this place is better condition."

This goes on everytime we're together. I exercise too much, am too thin, don't eat properly, should see a doctor about my fingernails, etc. It's always something critical or controlling. Think about it.

To listen to you, I've been nothing but a failure my whole life. From the big events (two failed marriages, being just a school teacher), to my daily lifestyle, my shortcomings are mentioned every time you see me. It's little wonder I visit you only once or twice a week. You always hurt me.

No, I'm not the carpenter you are, not the pianist you are, not the businessman you are. No, I have not reached the Arthur Smith high standards of success. Believe me, it's not for lack of trying. The bar you set has always been high. I've just never been good enough to reach it.

But I'm not exactly a failure. Think about what I do have and what I have done. Give me credit. Give me some respect. For once, tell me you're proud of me. I suppose you care enough about me to be so critical, but you could express your love with concern and compassion. Even a "I love you" would be a welcome addition (You've NEVER said that!).

Fortunately, I have a fairly high self esteem. I know I've been successful in many areas, and I'm proud of my accomplishments. I have you to thank for many of them, perhaps because I've been driven to make you proud of me.

So after a lifetime of chastisement, I've decided to stop defending myself against all accusations (bordering verbal abuse). When you start in on me, I'm playing "possum". Whatever, Dad. I am who I am, and you can't change me. And, I can't change you! There is one request I have for you: please quit calling me "You big dumb". That's really demeaning.

Until the next time, I love you.
Your Son,
Randy

posted on Oct 26, 2010 6:36 AM ()

Comments:

He sounds a bit like my mother.

But she improved after I stopped visiting her as much
(and therefore she doesn't see her only Grandkids...)

comment by crazylife on Oct 28, 2010 8:10 PM ()

Psychologists probably know what's going on. It's a common problem, I'm sure. We just have to live with it.

reply by solitaire on Oct 30, 2010 5:44 AM ()

*Respect* people especially family forget respect so easily.

comment by lynniesouffle on Oct 28, 2010 2:10 PM ()

One of the 10 Commandments with parents. I do. Thanks for dropping by.

reply by solitaire on Oct 30, 2010 5:41 AM ()

One of the best results of therapy for me was to truly accept my parents as the flawed human beings they were, and forgive them for what they weren't capable of doing. It was very liberating.

comment by marta on Oct 28, 2010 6:44 AM ()

Precisely. That's why I would never send such a message to my dad, let alone say anything to his face. I accept his as he is, and he's really a great guy whom I admire and love very much. He has his faults like everybody else. Always glad to hear from you.

reply by solitaire on Oct 30, 2010 5:39 AM ()

I am adding that the behavior you describe in your dad, is the behavior of a bully. Bullies usually back down when they are confronted. Although I really do not advocate actually hitting your father, I do think you should let him know you won't tolerate any more verbal abuse and that unless he shapes up, you won't be seeing him. His reward is your cringing. That's what bullies get off on. Yeah, I know, he's your dad. He doesn't seem to know it.

comment by tealstar on Oct 27, 2010 12:27 PM ()

True. He's also a manipulater--and very good at it with everybody around him. There's one thing I refuse to do: become a parent to him. You know how roles can be reversed as real parents age. I still treat him with respect. But you're right--I have to start saying "Enough!". And I have to shout because he's nearly deaf.

reply by solitaire on Oct 28, 2010 5:39 AM ()

OMG!!! If only my father had said I looked too thin!!!

I was the 'apple of my father's eye' but didn't live up to his expectations for me--know what? So what?

comment by greatmartin on Oct 26, 2010 1:43 PM ()

Good rebuttal: "So what?" Another one: "That was then; this is now".

reply by solitaire on Oct 27, 2010 6:21 AM ()

The next time he starts knit-picking just smile and say, "I love you too Dad."

comment by nittineedles on Oct 26, 2010 12:49 PM ()

Good idea! I've been thinking of one-liners like that. I've got some dandies!

reply by solitaire on Oct 27, 2010 6:18 AM ()

My mother was exactly the same way. By the time I was thirty I realized
that she didn't love me and never would. That was liberating . I used to
confront her constantly and we ended up verbally abusing each other. After
I had the aha experience at thirty, I no longer needed her and we got
along after a fashion. Because she was a screamer and a belittler I was
able to treat my children differently. I never screamed at them or made
them feel small. In fact I don't criticize them at all. You just have to
take a bad experience and learn to use it. I think you have done this.

comment by elderjane on Oct 26, 2010 12:46 PM ()

Ah, the Golden Rule. Only in this case, don't do to others what others have done to you! Like you, I have followed that dictate.

reply by solitaire on Oct 27, 2010 6:16 AM ()

Oh, the typos!

comment by dragonflyby on Oct 26, 2010 11:52 AM ()

How sad, Randy! I have so much admiration and respect for you. Here I thought your ex butting into your life was the worst you had to contend with, but even she does not fall to these lows. She is easier to deal with: "If I wanted to hear your criticisms, I'd still be married to you." How does one reply to a father? My parents are dead and I was able to end the constant fault-finding and blaming by telling two of my sisters that I had 60 years of their ugliness and was through hearing it. I no longer have anything to do with them, and it is down-right liberating. That may not be an answer for a 93 year old father.
I do, however, think you may need to set an example for your children. They hear this too when family gets together and I wonder how they feel about you enduring this in silence- year after year? Do they respect you more or less?
Something else to think about: do you confuse assertiveness with aggression? No doubt you can define the words and understand their meanings, but sometimes the words get muddled in our behavior, i.e., come people become aggressive when what they mean to be is assertive while others choose not be aggressive so they do not confront thins like verbal abuse.

comment by dragonflyby on Oct 26, 2010 11:51 AM ()

I am too passive, much like my mother. Dad has often said to me, "You're just like your mother". I've learned to say "Thank you. I consider that a compliment". Fortunately, I seldom heard my father verbally abuse mom. He knew better! And I'm changing my mind on the "possum" role. From now on, I'm becoming more assertive. I've had enough! Thanks.

reply by solitaire on Oct 27, 2010 6:13 AM ()

My grandma used to call "playing possum" putting her Down's Syndrome face on. After years of defending herself to her criticizing family she found it to be her best defense.

I can't help but wonder what your father's perspective is in all of this...and what kind of father he thinks he is. But then, it doesn't really matter, does it? Because in the end, it is our own realities that shape us and your internalization of the criticism is the only one that matters...at least in this forum.

I wouldn't be for a confrontation in real life...I tried that with an extremely abusive boyfriend and only ended up more hurt.

comment by juliansmom on Oct 26, 2010 11:28 AM ()

It's been difficult to get "inside" dad's reasoning and purpose. I think he only wants the best for his kids, but he has a strange way of showing it! Tough love?

reply by solitaire on Oct 27, 2010 6:04 AM ()

I'm so sorry about this, Randy. Even when you know none of it is true, and you are living a good life, it still hurts that your dad can't admit it. As much as we miss our parents after they are gone, it's definitely liberating to have all that criticism put to an end. The best thing you can do is make sure you don't treat your own children that way, and I'm sure you try hard not to.

comment by troutbend on Oct 26, 2010 11:02 AM ()

That's one good thing (lesson?) that has come from our relationship. I never put down my own children. I praise them all the time--probably going overboard! My sister confessed to me that she won't grieve when Dad dies. He is highly critical of her. But she asked for it when she moved in with him.

reply by solitaire on Oct 27, 2010 6:00 AM ()

I know exactly where your coming from. I've had to try and cope with the same critisisms for the past 10yrs. I learned that these demeaning attacks can only stem from their need to sow a type of 'Power Play' , Control and in a sence showing their *Jelous Tendancies*. I haven't yet found away to deal with it apart from making it clear that you won't put up with rudeness. Love yourself and don't put up with it. You don't have to get mad, just say 'Hey' thats enough, it's me your taking too.

comment by lynniesouffle on Oct 26, 2010 9:15 AM ()

He always had a way of cutting me down without me being able to think of a quick comeback. I just stew over it afterwards. I think I'll work on some zingers.

reply by solitaire on Oct 27, 2010 5:49 AM ()

Hmmmmm that's interesting. On one hand, if he's been like this his whole life and he's 93, well, live and let live. On the other hand, I totally see your point and I think he's lucky you see him as often as you do!

comment by kristilyn3 on Oct 26, 2010 9:08 AM ()

Being brought up in the church, I was always taught to "respect thy mother and father". It's difficult to fight back. It is what it is.

reply by solitaire on Oct 27, 2010 5:45 AM ()

I wouldn't be so understanding. The next time he calls you a dumb anything, why not just be, for the one time, incredibly confrontational. Just say, the next time you use that phrase, I'm going to punch you in the mouth. I'd love to be there for that. He might even start respecting you.

comment by tealstar on Oct 26, 2010 7:03 AM ()

While I could never hit my dad, I have had a few comebacks to the "big dumb". But I'm so used to it, I shrug it off (sort of).

reply by solitaire on Oct 27, 2010 5:42 AM ()

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Letter to Father