I just read Hayduke's post about zen, a dog and a bay. It was wonderful. It was awe inspiring. He's always got some take on life that is new, positive, a breath of fresh air. And then it reminds me just how miserable I am and I pout. haha Not really but man - I need a change. It's all I talk about yet I don't do anything. I guess I don't know what to do. Nothing is logical for me to do right now. I can't afford to do anything, really. I am in a tight spot financially, and any wavering would send me overboard quickly.

As R and I were driving up to the lake this weekend I really felt as though I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. My thoughts just flooded in. What do I want to do? Help animals? Then I was thinking about the constant fight it is. Some people will agree with me on this plight but people rarely change. It's the human condition. I understand that. But then I wonder why I bother to feel so deeply and compassionately that what is happening to them is wrong. Why do I have to cry at night when I think of cows and pigs and chickens suffering at the hands of humans? What good does it do for me to FEEL so much about it? So far as I can see, nothing. People say things all the time. That's great, good for you, being a vegetarian makes sense, I wish I could do it - but I love meat, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Why does it mean so much to me when hardly anyone else gives a shit?

So that was bugging me. I also realized that I wouldn't be able to crawl in a hole and die for the weekend like I felt like doing at that moment because I was spending time with the family and some friends I haven't seen in awhile. I realized this was a good thing, although now I am feeling exactly how I was in the car. What is the point? Why do I bother? Who the hell cares?

This job. It's a joke. I talked to a lot of people on Friday - R got out early cuz it was his last day, soooo many people were out by noon. My boss let me go 20 minutes early. There are no perks here. None. I DO NOT live to work like my co-workers. I work only to live. I don't fit in with their work-a-holic selves. I am the Peter Gibbons (Office Space) in my department.

Then there are the times I seek fairness. I know life isn't fair - another one of my constant battles in my head - I just can't wrap my head around everything that happens in this world sometimes and I just want to fight it all.

Then I seek to return to a state of contentedness. The state where I don't think. The state where life, if only for a few moments, seems ok. I dunno where that goes most of the time though...

BUT ANYWAYS - we had a great weekend. R starts his new job today and he's taking tomorrow off. Gawd to live a life where you have such freedom.

HAPPY TUESDAY!