Wow! That is the word that describes both my day and state of mind tonight. I don't know where to begin. I closed on my mobile home after work. I'm glad it was a short closing because I began to cry. Closings are usually happy times but today it was clouded by memories of past closings sitting next to my husband and by the reality of what purchasing my own home means.

Not only the end of my marriage, 21 years of loving this one man and the dream. But also the reality that I am a single Mom with a lot of bills to pay and nobody to help me pay them. I'm it. It's all me.

I remember the day I brought home Rissa from the hospital and all of a sudden I started to cry. When my husband asked me why, I answered "I just all of a sudden realized what a huge gift I've been given by God. I just hope I won't let him down. I hope I can do it." This is how I feel again tonight although this time I'm not sure I should consider it a gift as much as an answered prayer. Once again, I got exactly what I asked for. We're apart and he's being wonderful towards me and the kids. I have a cute place of my own and the kids are happy about moving. But I'm still sad.

It upset me that my Mom couldn't understand my feelings of sadness today. She, like my husband, kept saying "This is what you wanted." I don't see how my mom couldn't understand that it may be what I wanted because of the circumstances and because it's what I thought was best for the whole family, but this certainly isn't what I wanted. I didn't grow up and dream of being a divorcee in her 3o's with two kids. So want is a strong word I guess. I just need to mourn this loss and I really wish that Mom could have heard me out instead of letting me go and saying "There are some things I just can't understand."

My sister wasn't able to help me move tonight because she was helping to deliver new puppies with her boss. This is something she's been really excited and looking forward to doing and when nature says it's time for birth, there is no postponing it.

Then I called my friend Kristen and found out she was in a bad car accident yesterday on her way to work and is in the hospital. From what she says, she's lucky to be alive. I felt so bad when I heard but thankful that I called and that her injuries weren't serious. She lost 2 pints of blood and has fractured her leg in three places so she will have a rough recovery. I sure know how it is to be layed up with a baby at home so I know she's going to need some extra support. Hopefully it will be a time when I can reapay all the wonderful favors she's done for me over our 6 years of friendship.

I got pulled over by a cop today while bringing the kids for subs. He thought Kevin was too little to be out of a car seat but he's not. Then he was razzing me that my windows were tinted. He was asking all sorts of questions about where I was heading, where I lived, where I was moving from, if I had been renting..(why do they need to know all this?) this is when I said very low to him "No we own, but we're getting a divorce." In other words, do we have to drag this conversation out in front of my kids? I think it was my statement that got me out of a ticket because after this, he handed me my license and said "Have a nice day M'am."

Kev had a 2nd "ok" day (instead of a smiley) in a row and had to talk to the principal about having a positive attitude. I know he can't be perfect every day but I soooo want him to get over this school hurdle and just learn that it's something we all have to do and- the least conflict you cause during it, the better.

I got an email from a local community college today. I had applied for a Spanish professor job last summer and they're setting up interviews for April- pretty cool.