I never blogged yesterday. I am definitely more stressed than I was last time I wrote, but all and all I'm doing well. I'm not sleeping much and I'm busier than ever. I feel like I'm constantly in the car. And most of the time I am happy, but sometimes I get down. It's to be expected I know but I just want to try to remember why I'm doing this and that I have to take care of me and that I can't solve all of his problems too.
Last night was the first night the kids stayed with their Dad and I was worried it would be like before with the kids crying and wanting to come back with me. But I'm happy to say that they only called to say goodnight and they seemed happy both then and today when I picked them each up. I was hoping for some down time last night but I just never got there. The night went by as quickly as ever. The dogs didn't help with their rebellious marking of the new territory! Grrr!!I was doing laundry to the wee hours (not that I could have slept). I did catch up on all of my grading I hadn't quite got to but unfortunately never got to write a blog. I could have used a good venting session but when I finally got in bed, I was drained and no words would possibly come to my finger tips.
Today has been a L*O*N*G* day! I picked up Riss and Kissed Kev before school this morning. On my lunch break I looked at two places and began to look into financing. After my class, I had no where to work because the library was closed and I have no classroom so I went out to get stamps and stuff for dinner instead. Usually when Riss and I get out of school at 2:30, we just go home and relax for an hour until Kev gets off te bus. But now we pick up Kev but we still need a place to "hang" for an hour and I can't just do it at school once again because of the space issue. So today I go to sit at our house (my previous home of 10 years) and he's got it all locked up. Grrrr! I knew he meant nothing by it because we had a conversation about keys but regardless it was annoying. So we sat in the driveway for a while, went to the store and got the kids some gum and then we were about 10 mins. until we could snag the little, mighty one LOL.
I made dinner, baked cookies, played 3 diferent card games and practiced spelling with the kids, was denied by two banks for financing and two other options fell through. I'm trying to remember that if it's meant to be, it will be and that everything happens for a reason but I'm a bit discouraged. Although I'm much stronger than before and thinking of my kids first I am still not completely able to think of myself before him. I still feel bad when he cries. I feel like it's my fault that he will have to sell the house. I really wanted him to be able to keep it so that the kids would still have their rooms and their homes and I know that this house has always meant a lot to my husband.
He leaves for a business trip to KY tomorrow until Wednesday which I'm glad of because it will put more time under our belts to get us over that intial bump. I know in my heart it's what is best but when my brain starts talking to my heart, I get really afraid that I will cave again and the cycle will begin again. I'm also afraid that if I can't get financing and a place of my own, I'll end up a bum Mom living with my parents in their 50's having enough trouble making their own ends meet.
But I'm okay for now. I'm safe. I'm tired. It's almost time for a new day, a new beginning....