I'm very sad tonight. I'm starting to feel helpless and like I'm letting the kids down. Helpless because I can't get the mobile home I wanted to buy near where my sister is and letting down the kids because the both were mad at me and cried "at" me today. I know they need this and I know I shouldn't take it personally but you probably also know that this is not one of my stong suits.
I know I need to take it one step at a time and not worry about housing and try to take comfort in 2 months of free, beautiful housing but it just prolongs things. This isn't my stuff. My stuff is still in the house I've lived in for 13 years and every time I walk in it I am overwhelmed at what it will take to move "me" out of there. It all feels like "me". He was rarely there, he didn't have much input in the decorating. Yes he did the painting and picked out the kitchen cupboards but everything that would move from house to house is mine in terms of sentimental value and tastes. Gas prices are tripled with my multiple commutes.
I worry that I won't find a place because I can't rent with my dogs and can't buy because my credit is tied up.
I worry that I'll be still here when my parents come home and there will be no room for me to make a "mini" family.
Marissa has been so positive through all of this that I should have expected her to relapse but when it happened today and it was so directed at me, I was hurt. I took it too personally. I'm still sad. I took a nap after school for the first time since I moved out last Saturday. Here's how the story went. At the middle school today I saw one of Riss' teacher's in the hall and she said hello, apologized that she had tried to get a hold of me to tell me what a good job Rissa has been doing...And then she said "You're not going to like what she's bringing home today." She went on to tell me Riss had been caught with another girl copying homework in homeroom. I know most parents are naive but really this is very unlike her. I chatted with the teacher and gave her a heads up on what was going on at home and she was going to let me know if she noticed anything and that was that. Well Riss came out of school quiety to the car after school and I started to tell her that I already knew what happened and I wasn't mad and she began crying and I tried talking to her to find out why she was getting so upset. She said she didn't want anyone to know that we were "moving" is how she put it. She said she was afraid people would pick on her. I assured her that this wouldn't be the case and then the tears ran down my face, through my glasses which act like a magic curtain. When I have them on, I'm in disguise. I'm more in control. Or if I'm not, nobody sees me.
Hmmm... Like the theory of my white poodle named Josh I had as a child. When he was yelled at, he'd bury his head only and figure that since he couldn't see us, we couldn't see him.
So my mind is still full but my fingers are tired and my eyelids are heavy. The dryer buzzer keeps reminding me that it's time to fold the clothes
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