Feeling so lonely and empty. I've been doing non-stop eating since the kids went to bed. I'm trying to fill the void, the emptyness. It's such a literal analogy. Only all the food in my fridge isn't going to fill the void, only fill my waist band. I know that a lot of what I'm feeling is totally PMS but it's rotten just the same.
Everyone keeps saying "It will get better" and inside I know it will but I want to feel good now. I left because I was unhappy and depressed (among other things) and I want to feel better for having made the choice. I want to feel strong and independent, but I don't. I know I'm acting strong and accomplishing things that make me appear strong, but inside I'm already missing having someone love me (even if not the love I crave).This is definitely not strong nor safe thinking. These are not the words of a girl trying to learn to love herself. I must learn to be more patient.
Today the kids and I had Subway dinner early and then went to Walmart and bought 4 neon tetras and 2 black mystery snails for Kev's new aquarium. They are really cool to watch, especially the snails. They are a lot more active than I thought they'd be from the old "slow as a snail" saying. I mean they wouldn't win a race or anything but every time I go in to peek at them, they're in a different spot.
I took the dogs for a long walk in the beautiful sunshine today and I picked up the few leaf piles I had raked the day before. A's mom gave me a t.v., microwave and an entertainment center she didn't need and he made the delivery today. He was grumpy with me like he always is/was when he has to do something that involves team work with me. He's impatient and yells. The kids weren't around but it made me tear up. I can't explain why. It's not just the obvious reason that he's being rotten towards me. It's more than that. I guess it's the fact that I've put up with this for so many years and he's not my "husband" anymore. I mean technically yes, but in my heart no. It's been six weeks...It makes me both sad and ...well...sad. Sad because he still treats me like this even though we're apart and have no ill feelings for each other. And oddly enough, sad because it's over.
I hear in my head the quote "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." And sometimes this is possible and one day I know it will be just a memory, where the bad times have faded. And the happy memories remain forever preserved- just like the picture stories I've made in my scrap books.
But today is also the gift right? And today I'm lonely. Again, positive words being forced in my ear: "You must experience all of this so that you will truly know happiness."
Marissa had dance tonight. Only 4 weeks until our trip to NYC for a Dance Ministry in Central Park with dancing participants from all over the world. I've never been a big city girl and the thought alone of going scares the heck out of me. Especially since I don't know any of the Mom's well enough to be friends with and we'll all be driving in a couple of big vans. And also because we're sharing a room with one of these families I don't know because we need to save money and hotel rooms in NYC are very pricey. Plus I find out today that dance goes through the Summer for Company Dancers. I was really looking forward to the $126/mo. reprieve from dance lessons during those couple of months. I will do everything in my power to be sure that my kids get to do everything they did before our separation so they don't feel punished, but let me tell you...it's not going to be easy.