Well I'm going to attempt another blog. I've been real quiet and closed up the past few days. I tried blogging the other day and got pretty far when my puter bugged out and I lost it all.

I don't know where to begin but I know that I need to release some steam. I have botted up feelings inside me that are eating at me.

This has been somehow a long, emotionally stressful week for me and it is only Wednesday. I'm worried about not having a job next year and providing for my family as a single mom. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary of 13 years and I did a lot of reflecting inside my head. I had written about some of it in my lost post. I'm saddened and stressed that A and I are no longer able to maintain a friend relationship for right now. I'm upset that he won't just let me be happy now that I am happy. I'm tired of hashing out the same details every day and answering his same questions all too often. I'm annoyed with him acting hurt and like it is the first time he's heard me be candid with him about not wanting to get back together.

Both of the kids, but my son especially have had rough weeks in my opinion. I'm sure it's partially heat and partially growing pains of our new family situation, but they have both been extra whiny and not listening to me and talking back. I've about had it really. Tonight trying to get my son to do his homework during a complete meltdown was a true test of my patience. I did it though. I walked away, breathed and then came back and firmy insisted he do it. Word by word, like a drill seargent, we got that homework done. Through tears and sweat, we're prepared to hand in 10 sentences for spelling and a one page summary of what we found in our back yard for the science journal. Whew! Now I feel like I deserve a mini retreat of like um...48 hours ought to due it! No kids for 48 hours....a girl can dream! lol

Yesterday I did something I never would have done as a kid. I played hooky from school because I woke up at 4 and was wide awake and full of anxiety. Although I tried not to think about it, the tenth was filled with reasons to be anxious. It was the day I had read that all teachers would have their teaching assignments (the day I should've known if I were going to be employed next year) and the completion of 13 years of marriage after a courtship that lasted 8 years because we started as eighth graders! So you know what? Every year I end up donating my unused sick days back to the school because part time teachers or those non permanent to the district can't be rolled over. This is how I can justify taking a sick day yesterday. Call it mental health or just say I had it coming to me. I'm cool with that. This part however made me feel slightly guilty and yet kinda excited to do something so out of character for me on such a day. My sis came over after lunch and talked me into going to a small, out in nowhere bar for an hour and a half! So we did...it was our own little "Un-Anniversary" ceremony with my sis who was the maid of honor in our wedding. I got the idea thanks to our friend johndude.

So today is Wednesday and it wasn't quite as hot as the past two days. I still feel completely glum and silent. There is an uneasy feeling inside. It's familiar and I despise it. I want to pinpoint it and face it so I can make it go away.