Usually when I'm feeling like this, I nap. I have an hour before I have to head back to work and I want to nap, but I nap almost every day...and today's one of the worst I've had in a while. I've cried real tears. I've felt fear and sadness and regret. I've felt guilt and shame and anger...fierce anger.

This started out with the potential of being a really great week. I had it all planned out!

And today wasn't that bad until I started thinking about the holidays...and lack of money...and the recent reasons why. Then all of the above feelings started kicking in high force and...I talked to G. We have such a great relationship but there is one area where we just can't communicate without bringing too much feelings of hurt to the table...money! So one text turned into a hudred; each one nastier than the prevoius; turning on eachother as to who wasn't pulling their weight financially. It started badly. It ended worse. I'm hurt. He's hurt.

I don't want to be without him. He's my emotional rock, pillow and oxygen. It's all about finding a way to pay the bills...and provide the kids with a Christmas. Of course "it's not about the gifts" blah bla bla...but we each bring up our kids with expectations by what the previous holiday was like. And we've been raised to believe that how much we get depends on how "good we've been". So my kids have already taken a cut since the divorce and this year not only threatens to be bad...it's become much worse this week as I lost a big chunk of expected income due to something out of my control.

So I know that was brief and not well explained...but I did get it a little off my chest. I'll check back later and see if there's more I may add to these thoughts.