Ugggh! I feel like I'm perpetuating a cycle and recreating a relationship filled with arguing and solitude.

It's been over two years and I really thought we knew each other. I do think we know each other. I honest do hold myself mostly responsible for our fights.

I hear my ex saying in my head, the things that G now says. "I can never do anything right." "You're never happy with anything I do". Although he says these things from time to time, he spends more time holding it in. He's told me that keeping to himself is his attempt to not fight with me. My whole life, silent treatment was high on the list of how I was punished. And yes I do this to others as well. I know how unhealthy this is.

He's 97% perfect and I beat the hell out of that 3%. He's so good to me, but lately it's just not enough.

I just hate not connecting. I feel like I'm again losing, not only a life partner and lover, but also a best friend. We both want to get that magic back. We used to complete each other's sentences and read each other's minds.

Again, I feel like I'm reacting to all the recent events. I'm also reacting to how I feel. Despite all his efforts, I still feel unloved. But I know with my mind I'm loved a great deal and more unconditionally than I've ever been loved. I know it's partially the whole "You gotta love yourself" thing and I'm working on it, but it's a tough one that comes without an instruction manual.

I also feel fear. Financial fear; fear of another failed relationship; fear of never really getting over my first marriage; fear of hurting the kids more; fear of never finding another career(to name a few).