I still can't believe I did it. I got one week before our small elopement and suddenly there were so many doubts and fears. I didn't want to admit that I had made a promise that I wasn't sure I could keep. I didn't want to make another mistake either that I couldn't undo. I was sick over telling G.

I started by telling him I wanted to postpone the wedding until we could do something more romantic than getting married at the court house (and this is true). I also told him that it was hard to marry into a family (his parents) that didn't accept me or support our marriage. Why you ask? I am not really sure. I have theories and I know some of it must have to do with me personally, but I also know that it has something to do with this being G's 3rd marriage.

There were other reasons. A week before we were going to elope, we found out my 10 yr. old son needed hip surgery. Not only was this scary and stresful, but I also believe in "signs". There were more reasons, ones I couldn't share with him...ones I don't want to even say and wish I wouldn't think.

He was completely fine with postponing because he just wanted it to be perfect and happy for both of us. He almost always says the perfect thing and he is way more understanding than I would ever be.

It wasn't until I made an additional decision that I may not..ever.. be able to marry him that the reality, sadness and anger set in for him. I don't blame him and he doesn't blame me. He mostly blames his family because something else happened during this week that really became a deal breaker for me.

His daughter, who has really been trouble and has showed nothing but disrespect towards our home and her father especially, was caught stealing from me out of my bedroom. None of the kids are allowed in our bedroom and they know and respect this. Well G caught her red handed. She admitted that she went up in our room specifically to steal...and she has done it before...many times. I first I was mad..but willing to forgive...but it changed quickly with her attitude while she was talking to me about what she did. It's hard to explain the conversation in detail, but it ended badly. It ended with her trying to once again place blame on others for bad decisions she was making. This all went down like a half hour before my daughter's dance recital (and coincidentally it is the second time she's almost ruined her dance recital with her "antics").

So it ended real badly with me telling G I not only didn't want her in our house but also I didn't even want her to come to the recital. She didn't really want to come anyway. She's miserable! G was hurt and upset, but not mad at me (even though I wouldn't blame him for being mad that I banned his daughter from our house). He brought her right home and did meet us at the recital. It was a stressful, pretty crappy night though and this affected my daughter (and us). G was visibly sad, kept tearing up...

This has caused huge problems. He says he supports me and knows she is wrong. He wants us to work things out of course but is not hurrying or pressuring me. But still, in good conscience, I can not marry him and make him choose me over his daughter. Nothing would keep me from having my kids at my house. Of course I'd be mad and there would be consequences, but I wouldn't allow him, to not allow them in our house.

I know it's not fair. I know I keep double standards. I don't know why he still loves me and supports me.

And unfortunately it took me getting that close to getting married to realize that I'm just not ready. I'm just not healed. I'm just left with fear and doubt.

This is one of the things that is defining Gee...
As of today...