Theodore (Tod) 1975-2008

You won't be hearing from me for a while. Last night my son, Tod, committed suicide. No warning, no talk of despondency, no notes explaining why.

He was one of the most gifted, loved, and admired young men I have ever known in my entire life. He and his wife adored each other. Family is talking about our last conversations with Tod and piecing things together slowly and painfully. There are things he never recovered from. The deaths of two of his best friends, and volunteering to assist the Iron Workers Union in removing rubble and recovering bodies and body parts at the World Trade Center after 911. He kept everything bottled up inside. The last few months, especially since right before Christmas were especially difficult for him. He struggled with so many things, but shared only pieces with those around him. I cannot sleep. I love him so very much and just cannot imagine my world without him. Pray for him- for me.

I cannot sleep. Especially with my PTSD, I cannot bear a loss this immense. I am afraid the nightmares will set in. I will never be whole again.

I deeply regret if someone thinks this is too damn personal to post or that I should keep this to myself. My only justification is that my grief is so overwhelming that I think possibly my judgment is impaired. Until my family arrives, I am passing this terrible night alone and needed desperately to touch someone.