On Saturday, December 6 I attended a Change of Watch Ceremony for our newly elected officers. Someone snapped this picture of me talking to our Division Commander. How funny to think that I am regarded as a 'person of interest'. It brings home to me that how we see ourselves is not how we are seen by others. The people in my 'other life' think of me as capable, strong, resourceful and independent. When I receive deferential treatment or a flattering introduction I have to overcome a flush of embarrassment before going on with whatever is at hand.

While I would never describe myself as weak, I do think of myself as sensitive and vulnerable. Not sensitive to criticism- I have never allowed others to shape my reality or my perceptions about myself. I mean sensitive to other people's needs and feelings, and no, I do not ignore my own. Because of the PTSD, I am fearful and/or anxious most of the time. People do not see that.

When I was quite young I remember reading the accounts of the soldiers who climbed the hill on Iwo Jima to plant the flag. They were our National heroes then. Someone asked one of them if they were afraid. He replied that he was scared out of his wits, but that bravery was doing one's job despite the fear. That sort of stuck with me. I have always gone on with my life despite the fear, despite the pain. Maybe I am seen as 'strong' because I do not allow fear to impede me, or the painful horrors I have witnessed to redirect my life. I don't want to be angry. I choose not to be bitter. Despite this, 'vulnerable' is what I most feel.