Sometimes my life gets so complicated and complex that I just want to scream and run away.  But then I fix a glass of iced sweet tea and sit out on my deck for a while and watch Lucy chase the birds and listen to the quiet on my little hill...and my world comes back into focus.
I love my job.  I love my patients.  Yep, even the ones who kiss my cheek and leave a little snuff smudge there.  The ones who slip an apple or pack of pretzels into my hand and tell me I need to stop and eat lunch.  The ones who are downright mean usually end up with a place in my heart.  I take a little bit of each one with me when I go home at the end of a long day.
That is why I had to make a decision.  A hard decision.  One not made lightly or without a lot of thought.  I quit my job.  Let me explain.
I would see anywhere from 8 to 14 patients in a day.  I would do the nurse stuff and then head home where I would pull it all together and enter the information into my laptop and download it to the office. That took anywhere from 2 to 4 hours.  Depended on the patient load and if there were any "extra" things such as an admission, recertification, etc. Medicare rules have to be followed to the "tee".
I was working every day...many hours not compensated for with money or equal time off.  I was not making minimum wage by the time everything was factored in.  I was missing out on time with my family. I had to plan my weekends around call time or catching up from the week.
This was frustrating, but I felt I needed this job...even though it was consuming my life.
Then I went to see Mr. X.  He has been a patient of mine for over a year. He is progressing well after a stroke, learning to control his diabetes and finally got that blood pressure into a stable range. All the while his wife would take care of him and help him with his daily life. She was fighting her own battle with cancer.  She was not the patient, but I could not help but be concerned with her, too.
Last month she told me that the cancer was in her liver, bones and pretty much "all over" her body.  She had made the decision to stop all chemo since her MD told her it was not going to cure her.  She and her husband decided they would spend the remaining time they have just enjoying life and each other.  As I would do my assessment, they would be holding hands and smiling and tell me how they were each other's best friend.  He would always refer to her as "my bride" even though they had celebrated many anniversaries.
They are not old.  They are both in their early 60's.  This is when a lot of people are just beginning to enjoy retirement and looking forward to many years of rest and doing things together.
It hit me in the heart.  Why am I spending so much time working when I could spend a lot of that time living?  I looked at this sweet couple and tried to imagin if Hubby and I were in their place.  Would I wish I had worked more? Would I wish I had stayed up long past when he went to bed so I could finish the computer work?  No.
I told the patients that needed to know...I told each one how much I love them and what an influence they have had on my life.  I saved the last for Mr. & Mrs X.  I told them I wanted to have quality time with my family...not extra money in the bank.  They cried and hugged me and assured me of the correctness of my decision.
I promised to visit...and I  will.
I quit my job to have a life.
The next day I was offered a job back at the hospital where I worked for so many years.  They needed a "strong RN" to be in charge of one of the units on nights.  Three nights a week. Three 12 hour shifts and go home.  Tues-Wed-Thurs. No weekends.
OK...I'll do it.  I put on my scrubs and walked back into the hospital that I called "Home" for 10 years.  I got a lot of "welcome back" messages and caught up with folks that I've missed over the years.
Most of all...I can leave at the end of the shift and go home. I can sit on the deck with Lucy and Hubby and be thankful for our time together.
Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the roses before the winter comes to take them away.
Mz Scarlett, the DawgNurse...turning around and heading off into another direction.  Exploring life one day at a time.