Gwen

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Gwen
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Life & Events > Relationships > Ups and Downs, Truly on My Own
 

Ups and Downs, Truly on My Own

I've been a mixed bag of emotions today and I believe the lack of sleep is catching up with me. Last night I slept 3-8 a.m. (5 hours exactly, seems to be my pattern).

It didn't feel like a Saturday morning but thank goodness it was so we had a schedule to follow to keep me moving. Kev and I dropped Riss off to dance and then went to 4 different stores in search of special, new things that will make our move a more fun and positive adventure. Kev and I usually browse and shop around while Sis dances anyway but today we had a reason to shop.

We were all hungry when we pick Riss up after noon. So we had lunch and the kids played for a while. I snuck away when they weren't looking and closed my eyes for just a little. I did get some nap in because I was sleeping when Kev came to tell me how bored he was and that they wanted to go spend their Easter gift cards from my parents and grandparents at Wally*World. I wiped the sleepy seeds from my eyes, put my hair in a pony tail and was off to the craziness of everyone shopping the Easter aisles. The kids finally decided on what they wanted and I (as usual) offered to put in the little extra here and there so they could get what they wanted.

About this time, it was getting close to the time we were supposed to inspect the mobile home and I was starting to feel a little sick to my stomach with nerves. I don't know how to explain the fact that I know I'm doing the right thing and yet it hurts like hell just the same.

Rhonda and I had planned a sleep over for tonight since I won't have the kids and there was no sense sleeping by myself at Mom's on the eve of Easter. So the kids and I unloaded the car and packed up the dogs. We brought them to Rhonda's and had a few minutes to spare before it was time for inspection.

I was very happy when I went. They ran the dishwasher, washer, dryer for me. All of the faucets had great water pressure. It was clean and shiney and ready to go. There are a couple very minor, exterior things that need to be repaired when the ice melts but I should be moving stuff in no later than Wednesday. A went with me to inspect it. I admire that. He thought it was in nice shape. The kids are very excited. I'm just breathing, taking it one night and one day at a time. Every night when I get tired, I get extra sad and lonely. Irrational thoughts of being an old, single pug lady for the rest of my life creep in. I worry that I'll never share intimacy again.

This is the first time in my life that I have ever been truly on my own.

posted on Mar 22, 2008 10:21 PM ()

Comments:

Are you doing okay? Are you working? What are you doing with your spare time? I found a church that kept me social and kept my kids busy. Anything helps. Thinking about you! Deb
comment by teacherwoman on Mar 24, 2008 10:09 AM ()
Being on our own definitely comes with pros and cons. I am sure that it will work out fine for you.
AJ
comment by lunarhunk on Mar 23, 2008 6:48 PM ()
I know you are afraid because the unknown is scary but you are not really alone. We may not be there physically but all of us are here for you when you need us. All you have to do is jump on the computer, one of us will be close by.
comment by gapeach on Mar 23, 2008 4:32 PM ()
That intimacy fear is a big one isn't it? I worry for the same reason! You are a warm and wonderful woman and I can't imagine someone won't realize that when you are ready! Hang in there!
comment by frogfenatic on Mar 22, 2008 11:50 PM ()

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