Yesterday I was in the lowest place and the most scared I'd been in a long time. The day before I had got a call from Kev's teacher in regards to his behavior and she had suggested we all go to counseling to help Kev deal with his anger and anxiety. I felt sad about this call and on top of everything else I'm struggling with. I did however make him an appointment of follow up with his pediatrician for Monday. I'm hoping and praying that perhaps doing the next step and putting him on a mild dose of anti-anxiety or depressant would help make him more reasonable to talk to. After all I do have a strong family history of depression and anxiety and mine started in grade school when I had to go to the nurse every day because I made myself so sick from being anxious. This was only on the days when I couldn't find a way to get my Mom to let me stay home from school. The days I could stay home and fold socks with Mom while watching soap operas I was fine. (smile)

Then yesterday at the end of a long, stressful school day of teaching 100 teenagers, I'm checking my school email to see so much more work ahead of me and follow up I will have to do. Among these emails I see a note from my own son's teacher (in my same district) in which she's more pushing the counseling issue and is informing me of papers on different psychs she's sending home in his bag. Is it that obvious even to the school and teachers how messed up we are? I guess I'm not keeping it all together and putting on a good show After all. And she also tops it with another paper is being sent home from his Academic Intervention teacher who wants to more closely monitor him. I was sooo stressed and saddened and disillusioned. I thought he was doing so well compared to earlier in the year and from all of the papers that he's bringing home.

Then I called the AIS teacher who I know quite well and the stories she told me about the disrespect Kevin is showing in class brought tears to my eyes. It's disrespect that I've come to know too well already for Kevin and he had not been acting like this at school. Both teachers note a major change in Kev's behavior and attitude just in the past 2 weeks. I feel in my heart that it's all "our" fault. Even though we don't fight in front of the kids I know this has to be the source of his anger. And the disrespect towards women...honestly my husband is not an ogre and is quite personable and charming towards strangers...but when Kev disrespects me. It's the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes that scare me...it's the way Al looks at me ...like evil and with hate and disregard...

Then my husband admits to me that he treats me the way he does because he doesn't think that I'm being a good wife and therefore not "deserving" of better treatment. He agrees on this,but still beleives that staying together is the best for the kids because he remembers the way things were being with just his mom growing up. I have the other perspective. I remember parents who faught like thunder for periods and loved eachother others. It was so confusing and frustrating as we got older. My dad was an alcoholic. Sometimes I remember staying in hotels because he was drunk and mouthy. Mom was unhappy. I hated to see her cry just like I know mine hate to see me cry. I just wanted my mom to be happy ... and to this day I don't know how she made it through the years. She seems happy now, so I'm happy now...but at one time, as her daughter I know she deserved and wanted so much more. The only things that kept her were us (the kids), afraid of telling her parents (more old fashioned days) and the dream of growing old with my father since they (like my hubby and I) had known eachother since childhood.


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