I've had another emotionally trying day. I think once again the people in my life are getting sick of hearing it. Thank God for blogs, eh?

I'm especially thankful for the few true blog friends that I still have after almost 3 years of blogging. I've tried many different sites, but it is only these people that make blogging special. I used to think it was the one particular site that made it so special but since most of us have moved from at least one other site to this one, for the specific purpose of keeping in touch with each other, I know for sure that we are just a special bunch of kindred spirits.

Meant to be in each other's lives for one reason or another...

Thank you for listening to me rant and whine!

"Another Day, Another Anxiety Attack" (option #2 for this blog title)

I got myself out of bed early because I had to pick up papers at the H.S. on my way to the middle school. Do any of you all have Hess stations that are now selling Dunkin Donuts coffee?? It's the coolest thing really! So I stopped and got myself a caramel coffee there and then off to get Marissa from her Dad's house.

My beautiful girl came out with a pretty, new pink coat and a fluffy, hot pink scarf around her neck. I could tell she liked it a lot. Part of me immediately wished I could be the one to let them pick out new winter coats, but I was really thankful that their Dad had done it. Then my impulsive self started thinking about how I knew it was his g.f. who picked it out, because he wouldn't have. My rational self said "wth do you care? You don't want him." The part of me who holds grudges answered that it was because Kevin had been lied to and told his father was working when he was out shopping with his new g.f. (And yes I admit, I'm still working on the whole "He never shopped with me" thing).

I asked a question and I shouldn't have. I should have just went on with my day, happy that the kids had new coats and that they had spent some time with their dad. But no!! I had to ask "Do you know when you're going to meet daddy's new friend?"

Marissa said "Well I kind of already did yesterday morning when I brought Daddy in the insurance card." I'm like "WHAT???" Clearly I hadn't heard her right. Clearly he wouldn't have had her sleep over on the night Kevin was sick and the very first night that he had introduced her to our son. And clearly he would have ran the idea past me first as we had agreed to always do (A courtesy which I extended before I even let G meet the kids and certainly before he ever spent the night or moved in- He was consulted every step of the way)!

But apparently I need my eyes checked because all of what was clear, was indeed very blurred! I was P'O'd big time! (quite honestly the anger is only beginning to relent) I called him out on it and he says we didn't have an agreement. I asked him if he thought it was in good judgment even without an agreement and he said that I gave him no choice because he had plans for her to spend the night and then "I was so adamant about Kevin spending the night with him".

I can't believe how quickly things went from amicable to evil.

I know it's apparent that I still have personal "issues" that need to be addressed in this healing process. If I could just get myself to call up my old therapist and schedule an appointment. I know I need to expect a wait and then if the time comes and I'm feeling better- I'll want to cancel it!I'm so bad about making doctor appointments, keeping doctor appointments, following through on getting tests and blood work done....pretty much anything considered "taking care of myself". I guess I am still kind of living in survival mode. I do just what's necessary for the day and to best prepare for tomorrow as I can. I don't stop to think to often about how my choices to not act on these things are affecting my long term health and happiness. I'm too worried about just surviving the day. I know this makes sense to some of you and for those of you for whom this is gibberish- I'm glad you don't understand. I hope you never have to. Be thankful.

Directly after work, I hurried over to an appointment with the school psychologist at Kev's school. She wanted to discuss her findings from the ADD survey both his teacher and I did. I tried to tell A, but he didn't answer my call. More specifically, he disconnected my call and didn't call me back. The results were pretty upsetting. The test was very consistent in the sense that both his teacher and I pretty much scored him exactly the same in all the same areas. (So we're seeing the same things at school and home) I guess the upsetting part for me was:

1. Not only did he score "Most likely" for a diagnosis of ADD, but he also scored an even higher "Most likely" for a diagnosis of ODD and one other disorder I can't think of right now.

2. Undeniably he, like Momma, needs some counseling and I'm every bit as leery to get this done as I am to start my own counseling. It needs to happen, but I've just got to make that first step (which for our health plan would be pre authorization, then an appointment, then getting there)

One thing at a time. I have no idea why thought #2 overwhelms and scares me so. I guess I feel like I've seen so many therapists but I feel that most of my healing has come on my own. And I guess I also don't want to tell a doctor about my intimate thoughts and psychosis. Maybe it's the face to face thing, because obviously it doesn't bother me to spill it here in words to the world wide web!

The good news:

Any of the three diagnosis would qualify Kev for a 504 accommodation plan to assist him with his academic difficulties. And diagnosing him with a disorder has nothing to do with the choice we would make to medicate or not medicate. Only the ADD is treatable through medication.

Can't put this part too close to the good news(The other two are only treatable through therapy and could very likely have a lot to do with the changes he's going through and his home life.)

Marissa had me running like crazy tonight (her dad's, by to my house, to dance, back from dance). In between, I did a ton of makeup homework with Kevin (with one episode of sending Kevin to his room for being silly and repeatedly ripping up little papers and putting them all over his face while we were working)

I was feeling frazzled and so I do what I normally do. I lash out at G (it used to be my ex I guess). Even though he asked if he could help and I said no, I got mad/ jealous that he had time to sit and play on the computer and I was running around doing laundry, cleaning up from dinner etc.

So when I went to pick up Rissa from dance, he ran around like a chicken with his head cut off cleaning. This didn't really make me happy either. I know it's hard to please me at times like this. I think love and chocolate are the two best tries though.

So we tried to talk it out but it's still hanging in the air like fog from the paper mill!