Bad days become bad weeks...and they scare me. I feel like I'm slipping (an all too familiar feeling that I hoped was a thing of my past).

My anxiety has been through the roof for I'd say almost 2 weeks. I'm depending too much on my anxiety meds (in my opinion- not that I'm going over the maximum daily dosage).

Today it all started with another Spanish teacher and some unwelcome comments she made to me. In case you're a regular reader of my blog, this is the same woman who made me feel like sh&t after my last absence with her unnecessary comments.

Yesterday I didn't go in because Kevin had a fever. He's 8, I'm a single Mom, he can't stay alone when he's sick....and I do have a job that gives plentiful sick days.

Today this woman and I were talking about how drained teaching the 1a class can leave you. She went on to tell me how once she had to teach it 2 years in a row and then after that, it was decided that nobody would have to teach it more than one year in a row.

Then for no reason, she went on to say that she was unsure what would happen next year though and that I may have to teach it again. I asked a simple why and what she said floored me, angered me and later in the day (as it simmered), it brought me to tears. She said "Logically you would go up to teaching Sp II and Sra. Fakename would take a turn teaching 1a, but I don't think you'll be able to teach Sp III since you're absent like once a week". I told her that it was unfair and that I wasn't out once a week. I also said that I have taught Sp III in the past and my students had excellent results on the state exam. She continued to go on and on about how I should be worried about trying to get tenure from the school and they would be looking at my absentee record "So I really need to try to get here". I explained that it was my son who was sick yesterday and I'm a single mom and I really didn't have any other options. I further tried to shut her up by telling her as I have before: that I'm doing my best and I believe in fate. If it is determined by administration after 3 years that I'm unfit to teach at Saidname school because of my attendence, then I will move on to a different profession.

I'm very sensitive and I already doubt my abilities to teach and most of the time think I'm not cut out for this profession. Every year, every marking period, after every school break...I start again, determined to be better than I was before. Determined to be stricter and not let the students disrespect and misbehavior get to me. Determined to be friendlier with my colleagues, hold my head high and smile.

Then usually for a while, I think I'm having success. I think the students do respect me. I believe I am teaching them. I enjoy the feeling of camaraderie with my colleagues.

But it always comes back to this...no matter how hard I try or what new tactic I put into play.

I feel so not good enough, useless...
I want to disappear, become invisible...

I'm a scatterbrained idiot who sometimes convinces herself that she's just human and is doing a pretty good job at juggling what life's given her.

And just to add salt to this wound, this scatterbrained idiot washed her cell phone and it's dead, gone... I lost my only phone and am not eligible for replacement without dishing out big bucks. WE don't even have a home phone.

I will have to do something. It's not safe to not have a phone. Guess it will be another thing that will take away from the "Christmas that almost was" of 2008.

I had planned (there's the p word again- a definite no no if I don't want to be disappointed) to go to a holiday craft show tonight with G. I used to absolutely Love going to these things and haven't been in years (as I one by one have given up on anything that once gave me joy- the depression monster). I was so excited to have someone to go with me and maybe enjoy it like I do. I even told my parents last night on the phone that I'd be going and they were happy for me and said "Don't ever stop doing things like that together."


Well for this weekend anyway, it stopped before it started. Non only did G have to pick up his son from a class trip at 7:30 but I'd also spent all my week money on dance recital tickets that are being sold only ahead of time.