Another anger filled, wet day (both from rain and tears)...

I strangely miss my mom although I mostly know that she would be no comfort or sympathy at all...

And ironically I know that the person who can and will comfort me the most is right here next to me yet I'm pushing him away.

It's so messed up that I miss him and crave him soooo much yet won't approach him with this need. I want him to need me enough to be as close as I desire him. I want his desire to heal me and make me smile to be so strong that he, without thinking, knows just exactly how closely intimate I need to be with him right now.

G remarked that he's never seen me this low and I responded candidly that I never thought I'd be this low ever again. Naively I thought leaving my bad marriage would be the answer. I didn't expect it to completely cure my depression but- a big part of it at least.

But I'm still allowing him to have power over my emotions. Let's face it, I still allow a lot of people to have control over not only my emotions but also of how I feel about myself. I would have liked to think I'd progressed in this area. Two steps forward and one step back. It may be progress but it still feels like failure when you regress.


glitter-graphics.com

So the events of my day included waking up before the break of dawn with anxiety, falling back to sleep only to dream messed up dreams of people luring me into a cult and me fearing for my life. Then I really had to get up to bring Marissa to dance. Then I went to ex's work to get my support check (no problem this week) and also because he had an old phone that I was able to put my sim card in. Thank God I have a phone again! It's actually the phone I had bought for him when we were together, but he never liked it. To him it was a piece of shit and he's since moved on to something fancier and more expensive. To me it's 300% better a phone than the one I had. It's much better now that I've deleted the pictures of Ms. KY and him along with the pics of the fancy hotel rooms he's stayed in.

As I predicted, he's hurting the kids (especially Kevin) more and more now that he's getting more and more serious with VT chick. He had already said he'd take the kids next Friday night and I'd take them back while he worked on Sat. but when I asked him today if he was still going to, he said he couldn't. He's been driving to spend the night with her 3 hours away about 3 nights a week. (Tell me why I hate him but yet this bothers me?) Kevin asked him if he could sleep over with him tonight and he told him no because he was going to his "friend's house" for the night. As you know, I had to arrange different morning care for Kev one day this week for this reason. I also know he went last night and just came straight to work today.

Poor Kev slept for about four hours this afternoon. Partially because he's been sick and it was a rainy day and partially because he was bored because he was the only kid home today. When he finally woke up, he said he missed his Dad and that is when he made the call.He came out of the room not just with tears, but crying. And when I hugged him, he let it go...really sobbed. My heart still aches like a heart attack just thinking about it. I asked him if he wanted to do different things and he kept saying no and just crying. I cried above him but didn't let him see. His head was on my shoulder for a long time. Eventually he decided that he would really like to go see Madagascar II with G and I.

Riss had already planned to go skating with friends and then is sleeping over with a friend tonight. We headed out at about 6 to get subs and then brought her to skating. She also had a birthday party this afternoon! Gosh that girl is too busy! I never had a social life like her. We got to the cinema early enough to get good seats. Kev wanted to sit between us. He held the giant popcorn. It was a great movie. I could tell Kev still wasn't feeling good and I also couldn't believe the way he kept cuddling up to G. The more his own Dad pushes him away, the more he is loving and looking for attention from G (who happily gives it). It makes me so sad that his Dad (who he idolizes) is pushing him away. I'm very thankful that we have G though.

Kev and G have spent a lot of time together this evening. They're on the computer together right now. Earlier today he was showing Kev how to do one of those projects where you scrape the black paper with a small metal tool to reveal a gold or silver picture. I can't believe how much patience he's had with it and also how he's perservering with it and keeps going back to it tonight. He plans to finish it for Grandma Connie for Christmas.

It's going on midnight but he's not tired of course.

I so need to get out of this sad cloud. Someone please shake me, squeeze me, slap me silly....