G and I both woke up grumpy this morning. Part of the reason was because the kids got up early, were loud and kept knocking on our door to tell us things that could have waited until we woke up on our own. That's kids for ya! They just don't realize how much parents need days off to sleep in and recuperate from the stressers and getting up early of the week.

Because of the grumpiness, G and I had our biggest "fight" ever. We got grumpy with each other while making breakfast, continued being grumpy with each other while raking the leaves and bagging them up. Trying to get the kids to help us only caused more arguing and being grumpy to each other. It lasted way too long and the crumby effects pretty much hung in the air all day like a big, negative cloud.

I mostly did what I do when I'm feeling angry/vulnerable. I take control with cleaning. I cleaned out my filing cabinet, organized my shelves near my desk and I cleaned out my jewelry box. Marissa inherited every piece of jewelry her father ever gave me (other than my wedding set which I'm still contemplating what to do with). I finally got my dream wedding ring set on our 12th anniversary and we didn't make it to our 13th. Ironic, dontcha think...

Yesterday A made a point of telling me that he saw a girl out on Halloween night that we used to be "friends" with back in jr. high. He was most likely trying to get under my skin by telling me that she was all over him, grabbing him and telling him that "he was the one who drove her crazy" back then. She had hit on him at a party in jr. high when we were together. I hate to be like this, but other than of course my children, I wish I would have let her have him! Then he tells me that he met a girl online and he went to VT to meet her last night. Must have been a good date, becasue he didn't come home until 6 tonight. I know because Kev was trying to get a hold of his dad all day.

He did come get Kev a little after 6. Kev asked me if he could spend the night with his dad and I said of course. I know he misses his dad, Kev especially. Marissa stayed and her and G's son are playing rowdily in the girls' bedroom.

Even though G and I have made up, I still feel horrible. My heart is still beating way too fast. I still wish that the kids would just sit still and play quietly. I still feel my heart in my throat.

G's been having repeated dreams of me leaving him for the past week. I know this factors in too. We both have our insecurities and when we're in sync, everything is great. But when we're not, it hurts. I feel he's my soul mate and I love him so much. I want more than anything for this to work. I want for him to be my life mate. He's the one whose made me believe in forever and true love. Days like today, my heart is so heavy.

With my final divorce papers due to come back any day from the courts, I've been allowing myself to daydream about marrying G. We've always talked about it even though we know that it's not something we should rush into (no matter how strongly we believe it's meant to be). Well last night in bed, G began by asking me if I wanted to set a date. It wasn't a proposal. It felt forced. I was right. I suppose he was counting on me saying that I wasn't looking to set a date, because he followed it up by telling me that he "knew he wanted to marry me and didn't understand why he was scared..." I think we agreed that we would both wait for a "sign" knowing that we would be sure when the time was right. I know that it makes sense and it's the best thing for both of us to not rush in, but still it hurts in a way. Maybe it's just because it forces me to remember that although some parts of life can seem magical, fairy tales don't exist.