Actual Olan Mills photos




Those glasses came free with a purchase of Brut cologne.hose glasses came free with a purchase of Brut cologne.




Thoughtful Lance. Puckish Lance. Two sides of a delightful coin.



Drake won Bitchin'est Senior Mullet by a landslide.



That dude wore a tie for nothing.




The Purvis family made several stops along the Oregon Trail to document their six-month journey. This photo was taken just two weeks before the dysentery took Momma to Jesus.



I wanted a shot like this for my wedding. The Mrs. said no.



It's called a leisure suit, ladies and germs, and if you didn't have one in the early 70s, you were a big fat loser. Mine was teal. I wore it with a silk floral shirt and a long necklace with a football player pendant that we all got at that year's team banquet. I was THE MAN.




Once they had two or three, how did they ever find enough time alone to make more?



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Olan Mills backdrop #4: Bucolic Meadow with Split Rail Fence. Is that an animal carcass behind her?



A pose like this will get you kicked right out of the Convention.




Oh, this is super. What better way to capture the charm and innocence of a child than to plunk him down amid the coarse trappings of a life lived in pursuit of wealth -- oversized bills, an adding machine and the Wall Street Journal -- and make him sit inside a briefcase? (They probably just fold up the little demon right in there to carry him home.) The finishing touch is the globe, which completes the portrait of the young Antichrist in Chess King vest and Red Goose loafers, plotting his takeover of the world (insert maniacal laugh). That is, as soon as someone changes his poopy diaper.



Bobbi isn't the first waitress to fall for her manager, but she and Dale both got fired from Shoney's.



Rejected Toby Keith album cover.



Just a typical afternoon down on the plantation. In a business suit. Y'know, for a budget meeting with the slaves.



Dawn and her recently exhumed sister, Gorgotha, pose with Scraps.



This photo isn't discolored. The 70s really were that Orange .



And don't miss the First Presbyterian Players as they perform "Godspell" next Wednesday night in the Fellowship Hall. Childcare will be provided. Please bring a covered dish.



At the Southern Baptist Convention?




Olan Mills Backdrop #11: The Library, one of their most popular themes, as seen in this photo of the young Unabomber and his wife.



The Library might be more believable if the shelves weren't sloping downhill



Olan Mills is all about versatility. The simple addition of a column turns this generic plantation into Tara, where, apparently, someone opened a Hair Cuttery. (This Dorothy Hamill cut was very popular in 70s after Doro won Olympic gold. Both my sisters had the cut at different times. I did not -- although I did have a huge crush on Dorothy).



Patrick broke ranks and chose drag over the bow tie



You'd think Pearle Vision would throw in another two pairs for free.



Grapefruit smuggling isn't a crime, but posing it in profile should be.



Kenneth and his prom date



I got a 20 that says he drives a Camaro.




Hiroshima , 1945. The last known photo of Kelli and Senor Loco.



Someone spent money on this.

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It's so cute when couples have matching hairdos



Talk about a third wheel...



Nothing says 1973 quite like denim and helmet hair



I'd hide my face, too, little girl



B-52's, the early years.



She's looking for the speaker that's piping in "Muskrat Love" so she can blast it with her laser eyes.