Nic G

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Welcome To The Dollhouse

Parenting & Family > Belated the Turkey is Hell Playlist
 

Belated the Turkey is Hell Playlist

We're going to get through this Thanksgiving together, okay?

With the right combination of humor, music and box wine, we can conquer Thursday's assault of nitpicking moms, braggart cousins and an Aunt Minnie who won’t stop belching.

Maybe you’re still seated at the kids' table? Maybe you’ve put on a few extra pounds since the last time you leg-wrestled Uncle Frank? Maybe you’re a materfamilias who hates her familias? Don’t sweat it. I’ve got you covered. With all lineal trauma in mind, I've whipped together 25 key songs (plus crucial annotations) to keep you charging through the giblet gantlet.

So load your iPods, steel your nerves and let’s commence with The Turkey Is Hell Playlist:

1.) Take the Long Way Home, Supertramp
2.) We’re a Happy Family, the Ramones
3.) Everything’s Just Wonderful, Lily Allen

Okay, you’ve walked through the front door and successfully pretended that you’re happy to see everyone. Nice work. So far, so good. It’s a deceptive calm before the storm, but calm nonetheless.

But alas, right around the time the hors o'euvres are served, the gin is cracked and mommy pops herself a pill — 4.) Mother’s Little Helper, the Rolling Stones — that’s when it starts, a cross-generational brouhaha about Bush, religion and that time at the Grand Canyon when your brother accidentally “dropped” your Barbie off the North Rim:

5.) Bring the Noise, Public Enemy
6.) You Talk Too Much, Run-DMC
7.) Shout, Tears for Fears
8.) Somebody’s Crying, Chris Isaak
9.) I Hate Myself for Loving You, Joan Jett

Compounding the tension is that, after a day in the oven, the 37-pound Butterball still looks raw but the smoke detector has gone off eight times already:

10.) Cold Turkey, John Lennon
11.) Burning Down the House, Talking Heads

By the time you finally sit down to eat —
12.) Amen, Kid Rock — your passive-aggressive sister has said you drink too much, your fiancee is thinking of dumping you and Grandpa’s rambling blessing has turned into an awkward speech about his prostate:

13.) I Drink Alone, George Thorogood
14.) Breaking Up Is Hard to Do, Neil Sedaka
15.) Too Much Information, Duran Duran

Before the sweet potatoes even make their way around, half the table is sobbing . . .

16.) November Rain, Guns N’ Roses

. . . the other half is gorging . . .

17.) Don’t Stop ’Til You Get Enough, Michael Jackson

. . . all except for Grandpa, who wandered off and is now snoring in front of the Cowboys game

18.) Sleeping With the Television On, Billy Joel

The next hour is going to be brutal. But rest assured that dessert has fantastic healing powers. (Well, except for Crazy Aunt Pat’s ambrosia, which contains more cat hair than marshmallows.) So chomp a gooey piece of pecan pie and start patching up the wounds.

19.) Stop Your Sobbing, the Pretenders
20.) No More Drama, Mary J. Blige
21.) We Can Work It Out, the Beatles

See? A happy ending! Okay, maybe that’s a stretch. But hey, at the least no one was stabbed this time. So now it’s time to escape, to return to the safety of your relatively normal existence.

22.) I Made It Through the Rain, Barry Manilow

So you get in the car, the train, the straitjacket. You close your eyes and try to let it all slip away.

23.) Goodbye to You, Scandal
24.) Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away), Motley Crue

And yet, lurking in the back of your tired brain is the looming threat of future familial distress. And that’s when it hits you. Yep, better get started on the next playlist, boys and girls, ’cause . . .

25.) I’ll Be Home for Christmas, Bing Crosby



posted on Dec 3, 2008 8:14 AM ()

Comments:

comment by dragonflyby on Dec 5, 2008 6:22 PM ()
As long as it's not Sister Sledge "We Are Family" Ugh.
comment by stiva on Dec 4, 2008 10:07 AM ()
Good. Too bad I'm only familiar with about 3-4 songs. Old age.
comment by solitaire on Dec 4, 2008 7:02 AM ()
I almost didn't make it through Thanksgiving! It didn't go that well. Do you ever post on the Amazon bulletin boards? (I can't remember what they call them.) You know a LOT about music, and they have people who know a lot talking to each other... well, kind of showing off, I think! BTW, loved the article!
comment by sunlight on Dec 3, 2008 6:02 PM ()
comment by nittineedles on Dec 3, 2008 2:33 PM ()
comment by mellowdee on Dec 3, 2008 8:25 AM ()

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