I left Berkley that afternoon and went back across to Frisco. I didn't worry about seeing Jester again, because I knew he would figure it out. Sure enough, within the next couple of hours I saw him again. I had gotten off the buss further down than usual so I had to walk up the long hill that was the bottom of Haight St. I passed Buena Vista park and was waved over by a few people I knew. I sat on the hilly grass at the front of the park
and proceeded to get stoned again. The pot was not the sticky green I had come to expect, but a Mexican brown full of seeds and stems. I started to get a bit of a headache and so I said my goodbyes and started walking back to my park. I passed Cafe Cole, and realized that it was open mike night again. I wondered in and saw another guy I kind of knew. His name was Larry. A dreadlocked black guy who perpetually had his guitar. We had teamed up a few times with me singing and him playing and I new if he was up for open mike I would be in for a good show.

Sure enough he got up and was about to start playing when he paused and motioned to me. He wanted me to come up there and sing with him. We had fooled around with a duet of Summertime and it had sounded pretty good. He said he wanted to do that for his song, and I was feeling ballsy enough to give it a go. We started off soft, and midway though the first verse I really let go. Throwing my head make I let the song pour from me. My eyes closed but I could hear that the room was silent. Normally even during what ever was going on on stage there was light chatter, orders, glasses clinking. This time complete and total quiet.

I let the last nite fall from my throat and opened my eyes. Every eye in the place was on me and I glanced to the door. There he was, silly hat and all, staring at me with his lips so slightly parted. I grinned then and they started to clap. Normal talk resumed and the vacuum I felt like I was in was broken. I stepped off of the little stage and went back to my seat. A minute later Jester was there at my elbow, chai tea in his hand. I must have looked at him questionably.
"The guy at the counter said this is what you drink." He mumbled.
"yeah. Why are you being quiet all of a sudden?"
" Why did you leave Berkley without saying anything?" he asked back.
I grinned and dropped a wink. "It's not like you didn't know where to find me."
"Hey I lucked out coming in here. I've only been in here once before, and I was hurrying to get back to the park to find you."
"So what made you stop?" I said rolling my eyes. I didn't want to hear anything romantic. All I wanted out of him was a good bang, but I had to admit I was curious.
"I don't know what it was. I decided to get off of the bus here instead of the next stop up and grab a coffee, and there you were." He leaned over and kissed me then. Brushing his lips over mine lightly then pulling away.
I knew then that he was hooked, but no more than I was. All of a sudden it wasn't a game. I wanted him, more than any other thing at that moment. More than the dope I had been thinking about during the better part of the day, more than anything I had been casually thinking about for most of our brief conversation. I stood up then and took his hand. Without saying anything we rose and we walked out the door. We talked nonsense until we got back to where my camp was. I lay my bedroll out and unzipped it so there would be plenty of room and we knelt together. This time I inclined my head and kissed him. No light gentleness now, fierce and passionate we kissed, our clothes falling off as we groped and pawed at each other. Then he was beneath he, inside me, an unknown time passed.

Finally we fell apart panting. I sat up and started rummaging in my bag. Now that the physical need of that had passed I found my self fiercely wanting my hit. I could feel my head starting to pound already and my nose had started to drip. I sniffed a fingernail full straight out of the bag before anything and proceded to fix. Jester watched me without a word. I glanced over at him when I was ready. I wish I could say that my conscience bothered me but it didn't. My life was based on needs and wants. I wanted him, but I needed the drug. He held a flashlight trained on the back of my knee where I had started to hit my self so I wouldn't be thought of as a junkie while I was begging. After I finished he asked if I had any more.
"a bit." I told him.
He pulled out a pipe and tapped in what I gave him and smoked his. There was an understanding between us and we both smiled. The rest of the night we stayed up, alternately talking and have bouts of sex, draining each other over and over. I didn't know what tomorrow would bring, but tonight everything was golden.
I woke to the sound of drum beats. Hard and furious they beat a tattoo in my skull. At first I thought it was my hangover from the night before, and a part of it was but then I heard it. A keening sound that was constant and crazy. I crawled out of my bag and looked over at Jester. He could sleep though anything and the sounds of the mass insanity right outside our camp didn't even make him twitch.

Jester and I had been together for a while now, more than a month and between his street performing and the occasional gigs Larry and I had drummed up at the occasional coffee house we weren't doing to bad. Larry had a house on Lyon St and we stayed there some times, but tweaking there was expressly forbidden. Last night was a doosy too. I had ran for a bit with Babs and Laura and we had scored this shit that looked like glass. It watered up so thick and sweet that I felt like I was flying. Laura however was not so lucky. She had been getting progressively worse and really showing the effects of the dope. Her skin was getting that big pored and pockmarked look that is typical and she very seldom even bird bathed in the bathroom sinks around the park. After I pushed her hit for her she just sat there vacantly for a while then took up a stick and started digging around in the dirt. When I asked here what she was doing she said that she was looking for her shopping cart. Babs was getting paranoid at this point and swore that there were men in the trees with cameras looking at us. I was doing my best to keep my high under control so they wouldn't run wild and get themselves into trouble. Oddly enough it seemed to fall to me to be the mommy and take care of them. I ran over to Safeway to cage a 40 from the guys that worked stock there and came back as soon as I could. At this point Laura was breathing hard and looking a little green around the gills. I was getting worried so I drug her over to the bathroom and soaked her head in the sink in cool water. That brought her around enough to at least be semi coherent.

After that crisis was averted it was Babs' freak out paranoia time. She started screaming that the DEA had a gun turret on the top of the carousel
which we were sitting by and she knew they were going to start shooting soon. After she was calmer, which took some doing I made my excuses and bailed. I went off to camp to get smashed and ran into Jester on the way. He had a few other guys with him and a bag full of beer so we proceeded to get as tight as we could get.

So it was after all this crap that I awoke to the sounds of god only knows what. I stumbled out and the first things I see are a couple of hippies wondering aimlessly with their dog. They had long unkempt hair and patched together corduroy clothes. The girl clutched onto a macrame rope that served as a leash for the dog. She had tears running down her face and when I asked her what happened she started bawling out loud. The first thing that ran through my mind was Oh my god Babs was right. Yes I was putting the stupid tweaker gun turret thing as a possibility. That should have been my first clue that I was doing to much shit.
"Jerry died man." the boy hippie said and they continued to slouch over to hippie hill where the drumming was coming from.
It was madness on the hill. Hundreds of people were packed into the small area and more were coming every minute. I found out that there was going to be a memorial on the thirteenth.

I went back to camp and started packing up. I was going to move to a more secluded place since I knew the park would be packed with everyone that had ever been to a dead show and done a hit of acid. Jester woke up and I told him what had happened. We got our bags ready and went back to the hill. It was even more crowded now and there was more than just the local hippies and park people now. I saw guys in business wear and all forms of life gravitate to the hill. singing, beating drums, talking, smoking out right in plain sight of the horse cops that were walking around. We hung for a while and I said hello to just about everyone I knew in the city before. I wondered if it was like this when Janis or Jimi died, and figured it was so crazy because Jerry, despite all the crap he had done, lived so long in the scheme of things for that scene. Making it past 30 is almost immortality, or at least it was for that era of music.

The day was fun and wild and tiring. After the sun started to set and it seemed like nothing was thinning out I grabbed Laura and Babs again and we bailed to our normal spot. I don't know what I was thinking with those two after the night before, but I wanted to get high, and knew one of them would have some. Laura did and had already fixed her point. She asked me to hit her so I found her vein. When she handed it to me I looked and saw that she had it filled to 50. Normally it's done between 10 to 30, so I asked her if she was saving.
"Fuck no," she said. This shit is supposed to be a bit weak so I wanted to make sure I got high."
I shrugged and hit.
Immediately she started breathing faster, and within seconds was ghost white. Her pupils were pinned and sweat started pouring out of her. Then the convulsions started. Babs started screaming. I hit her hard across the mouth to stop her drawing blood, and grabbed a stick to shove in Laura's mouth.
"Watch her" I screamed to Babs and started to run.

I had never run as fast in my life. What they say about adrenaline taking over for you and letting you do things with abnormal bits of strength, completely true. I felt like the Flash as my feet pounded across the street to Safeway again. I wrenched open the ice cooler and grabbed a small bag. When one of the employees hollered I must have said something about calling 911, 'cause he stopped and nodded before disappearing inside. I ran back just as fast toting the bag of ice and got to Laura. She was still, barely breathing, and had a yellow tint to her skin. Babs was gone. I turned her over and yanked her pants down. Her ass was covered in pimples and they stood out like open sores compared to how white she was. I reached into the bag and pulled out a large cube. Fortunately it had started to melt enough to where it was a little wet. I grabbed her ass cheek and pulled it open. Took the ice cube and shoved it into her asshole. Laura shuddered and let out a small shriek. Sat up and started gasping, but she was breathing. I went out then to flag down the ambulance that I could hear on the street.

I watched her be loaded up onto a stretcher with Oxygen under her nose. The EMT came over and said a few things to me, but I'll be damned if I knew what he said. One thing did stick though.
"you saved her life"
My face was wet with tears I didn't remember crying.
I walked numbly for the rest of the night. Not in the park, but I went to the streets, neighborhoods really. Behind the Safeway on Fulton the nicer houses started. I wandered among them looking up at the few lighted windows,
the cars in the driveways. Realizing that people lived there, and at the same time realizing what I had set out to do I was failing at. I went out to see and experience a small part of the world, namely my country and ended up suck in a circle of drugs and sex. I just watched one of the girls I considered to be my friends OD, and I barely felt anything. I stopped at one of the houses that looked to be under construction. I went up to the windows of the garage and saw that there was no car inside, then knocked on the door. No answer. I went around back after that and found the back porch door lock could easily be forced.

After I got inside I noticed that the owners of the house had been there recently. There was a half bottle of wine corked and with a very slight chill sitting on the table and the takeout containers from their meals were still there as well. I didn't figure that they would be back that night so I grabbed the bottle and went to look around the house. I found that they had running water, but no electricity and that they had a few battery operated lanterns in the area behind the garage. I took the lantern into one of the bathrooms and ran the shower. The tile wasn't in yet so it was a shower with wooden walls at the very top of it and a wood floor to boot. Normally I wouldn't have done any of this but I figured I was in there anyway and I wanted to wash the last few hours off of me. I have no idea how long I stood under the spray but finally I climbed out. I lay down on a few carpet remnants and passed out.

I woke at first light and fixed before anything else. I had dreams about Laura all night and wanted them gone with the day. I finished the bottle of wine, warm now, and left the house the same way I came in. I had no cash on me that morning and didn't have the slightest interest in spanging so I decided to see if I could get a front and sling some pot on the corner. Unfortunately it was a weird day and everyone seemed to be going somewhere. Either over to Berkley, a bunch were going to Santa Cruz, and I was invited to both places, but just had no motivation. I saw Mama Cat and she shouted something at me. She didn't sound real happy so I figured that's who Babs ran to last night when she bailed on me. I walked over if anything to let them all know that Laura was taken to the hospital, and she might be ok. Before I even finished closing the distance Cat started screeching at me.
"POISON!" the squaling echoed around the park and all of a sudden everything got quiet.
My brain flashed to The Princess Bride and the old woman. My mind started to play tricks and I heard
"So bow to her if you like. Bow to her. Bow to the queen of slime, the queen of filth, the queen of putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! BOO!!"

God knows what she was saying but I turned and ran, I ran from what I was doing, and the people I associated with. I ran until I hit the house on Lyon where Larry lived. I burst in and he was in his kitchen playing guitar and humming. Jester was there with him as well as some of his roommates. I couldn't stop breathing hard and was unable to explain what was wrong for quite a bit. Larry and his roommate Turbo got some pot out and loaded up a bowl. After a few hits I let everything out from the night before up until the incident with Mama Cat. After a bit of verbal abuse directed towards that bitch they brought me into one of the bedrooms and made me relax. I vegged out and watched some TV for a bit then passed out again.

I woke up to Jester laying next to me rubbing my back. I rolled into him and more as a comfort rather than for pleasure we had sex. When we were finished I lay there with him and he asked if I wanted to go back to South Carolina with him. The welfare department would give you a one way bus ticket to get the fuck out of their town to anywhere in the country as long as you could prove there was someone that wanted you there. We talked about it for a while, but I decided not to. I didn't want to say it, but I wasn't ready to leave. No matter what happened and what I had realised the night before I was just as addicted to the city as I was to the rest of my habits. I did however want to get tested. I was worried that I might have something. I had never shared a needle immediately, preferring to use bleach in the tip if I didn't have a point of my own, but I was still a bit nervous. Also knowing where I had put my hand the night before and wondering if there was any abrasions or cuts on my hand or in her ass made me more than a little freaked. Now back then I didn't know that it took a bit for anything to show in blood tests so we agreed that the next day I would go to the free clinic.

We got up then and went into the kitchen and they were all still there. We passed around a splif and everyone started to play.
We had guitars and harmonicas, even a triangle and I kept giggling at that ridiculousness. Who has a triangle for gods sake. I either hummed or sang along. It was an easy evening, not like my usual, and for once I didn't feel the need to get high. We sat up until the early hours of the morning and jester and I found out way into the extra bedroom again. I slept again for a few hours and when I woke I felt like me again. Less crazed and frantic then I had in a while.

We went to Food not Bombs and grabbed a bunch of bagels then on to the free clinic. It wasn't open yet, and already there was a line out front. I knew there wasn't much wait for the blood tests, it was the Dr. that they were all waiting to see. Some with the shakes so bad they couldn't hold a cup of coffee without spilling it all over themselves. Most of them there to try to con their way into another pain script of some sort, and most of them would fail.

Finally the doors opened and I put my name on the list and sat down. I figured I would get some people watching in while I waited, and sure enough the parade of human misery was everywhere. After about an hour my name was called and I went back. I sat in a sterile room at what looked like a school desk, the kind with the desk attached to the seat by a bar
I waited for another couple minutes and the nurse came in. She readied the needle and the vials for my blood, then swabbed my arm. I saw here glance at me when she saw the obvious needle marks there. I thought to my self that it was good she didn't see the backs of my legs. I did the fist pump for the vein to come out like rote and then she slid the needle in. My body rushed. It was the strangest thing, but even though she was withdrawing blood not putting anything in I felt a rush.
"God," I thought," it's not just the crank. I love the needle too."
I held back until she was done then as soon as she pulled the last bit of the needle out I leaned over and vomited into the trashcan.

I ran out of the clinic as soon as I could, wiping the back of my hand across my mouth. My eyes were burning and my head felt like it was being pounded with a sledgehammer. I kept rubbing my hands over the crooks of my arms and down my thighs. It was all I could do to keep from tearing my fingernails across them. My nose started to run so I ducked into a doorway of a closed down shop and rummaged through my bag. I pulled out the remains of what I had and upended it into my mouth. The taste was foul and gagging I almost lost it, but I clamped my lips together and swallowed. I sat and ran my tounge around my lips trying to see of I had missed any crumbs but I hadn't. I let the crank work it's was into my system as I made my self comfortable. A woman passed by with her heels clacking against the pavement and without glancing down at me see tossed a small bit of change at my feet.

"Look at me!" I wanted to stand and scream.
"I am not like them," I muttered quietly "am I?"
I don't even know who I was talking about. This society of beggars I tried to both be a part of, and best at their game. The legion of homeless that lived in doorways and under tarps. I was like them though. Just like them. I looked at my reflection in the window and someone peered back at me in mismatched clothes. A purple paisley button up shirt, gray wife beater, army pants. My hair was sweaty and matted to my face from running, and my nose red.



They were me and I was them. Every sad, lost, addicted girl in the city were me. I shook my head to clear it and left where I was, scooping the change up without a seconds hesitation, and went to larry's for a shower. On the way I hit up everyone I passed not bothering with lines.
"Spare change"
"Spare some change"
"Change"
"Spare any change"
No more was it a question, but a litany in my mind. I felt mindless, but I kept going. By the time I reached Larry's I was weighed down and dragging. I showered for a good 45 minutes and when I was done I rummaged through my bag for some reasonably clean jeans and a tee shirt that was decently fitted. Brushed my hair and used some of my remaining stores of makeup. By the time I was done I looked not just normal, but human again.

I left the house after finding out that Jester was heading down to the polo fields for the Jerry Garcia memorial so I started walking. I had made about Thirty bucks in change in my walk from the clinic back to Larry's so I went into a store and picked up a couple of drinks for the walk. It was a few miles to get there and by the time I arrived in the late morning edging to noon the place was packed and the music had started.
I would be suprised to see Jester among the throng, but I figured I had come all this way, I might was well see what was going on.

There was a large stage set up and some bluegrass band was playing so I tossed my bag onto the grass and lay back to listen. a small crowd began to spread across the field to the stage, and then they passed by my way, one of them looked over my way from the middle of the crowd and I recognized it was the Grateful Dead's bassist Phil Lesh. The first time I ever saw a Grateful Dead band member live! I was only a spectator, I watched as he remorsefully drifted on across the field with the crowd towards another gathering. Some of the band members were gathering to go around to the front side of the Polo Grounds, up on the horse track where a Mardi Gras style parade with floats was getting together to bring all the remaining Grateful Dead band members around the field to the stage, when it was all ready for the Memorial to begin. The parade would bring two coffins full of snow white doves. I looked in time to see two white rectangular flocks of birds like two cards in a high wind flip over together side by side and fly away high over the trees. Then an airplane flew over dropping thousands of roses in cones that first all blew over the trees in the wind.

I imagine I will never see anything like that again in my life and watching this celebration of his life gave me a new perspective. I left the fields after darkness fell and found a small circle of trees. I puled out my jacket since it was bound to get really cold and lay down using my bag as a pillow. I must have been exhausted because it was well after dawn when I woke up, or rather something woke me up. It was the knacker of a horse and as I opened my eyes I realized I was being looked down on by three cops on horseback. They rousted me and gave me a warning, and I booked out of there as fast as I could.

After I got closer to my end of the park I ran into someone I knew enough to score a dime off of and borrow a pipe. I was determined enough to not use a needle, but I still wanted to get high. One thing at a time I suppose. Jester found me later that day sitting on my part of the street spanging
"Bad jokes for your spare change..."
"Spam-filled gefilte-fish Twinkies..."
"Spare change for a pot habit..."
On and on I went until he walked up. I had made a decent take so far, and still had about ten from yesterday so I qiut then and we went into the park to hang out. We passed the pipe for a while and lay back and talked. I told him what happened at the clinic. Again he mentioned getting out and going to his friends in South Carolina. He said he wanted a change to have a real life with me if I would. I promised I would really consider it this time, and slowly we drifted off to sleep.

I woke up in complete darkness, or as dark as it gets in the park with the lamps lit and the glow from the city. I was being kicked in the leg and when I looked up I was being glared at my yet another cop. I could tell that this one wasn't going to be a warning. We were rousted and asked if we had money and ID. I was able to produce the cash, but had no ID at all. I was stood up then and my hands were zip tied handcuffed behind my back. I was walked out to the nearest car path and loaded into the back of a van. In there was another woman, and separated by mesh was about seven guys including Jester. I guessed I was going to jail and the only thing I could say was,
"Damn I want a cigerette."