There is a program called “Millionaire Matchmaker” that we sort of watch from time to time. A woman runs it and she interviews millionaires who haven’t been able to find the right one. She stages cocktail parties with women she interviews who she thinks would be right for the guys or the women as, sometimes, the millionaire is a woman. She often gives advice about appearance and affect that she thinks is slowing down their chances of finding someone. And she tells them off if she thinks they aren’t serious and are just looking for an easy conquest. The ground rules are absolutely no sex until they have decided they want to be in a committed relationship. Elsewise she dumps you from the program.

The millionaires talk about themselves on camera. For the most part they are very average in both looks and personality with a few really unappealing sorts sprinkled in. Most have an inflated view of their appeal, and think they deserve a perfect 10 with personality and brains, or maybe not the brains so much.

The matchmaker tries to get the millionaires to be realistic. Sometimes she tries to get the guys to see that they choose the wrong woman every time, blinded by surface qualities and overlooking their perfect match who, maybe, isn’t as blonde as they like or as tall. She puts women in the mix who are this type, testing them to see who they will choose. Many times they go straight for the candy and overlook the one who is really right for them.

Some of the monied women also inflate their appeal. One woman, definitely not a 10, wanted a Matthew McConaughey type and the matchmaker was rolling her eyes. This woman chose the ringer, a good-looking young guy, muscles, T shirt, jeans, sort of out of work, and he went along and she kept telling him how hot he was and giggling and whispering dreams of a fine sports car in his ear. He was tempted. I found her personality belonged in a low comedy and wondered how she had ever found success in business.

But the premise of the show is a mystery … you have all heard, I am sure, the chronic lament from the monied that they never know if someone wants them for who they are or is just interested in their money. So here they are participating in a show where the dates from the git-go are there for someone who has MONEY. And if there is chemistry, hoo-ha, that’s a plus.

The matchmaker also stages cocktail parties for millionaire gay men – I haven’t yet seen one for lesbians. Surely there are some lesbians out there who have made it and need some help with finding their soul mate? I may write her one of my famous letters.

I am reminded of a classic joke where someone is admiring a woman’s huge diamond. “Yes,” the woman says, “this is the famous Bitterman diamond, but … it comes with a curse.”

“What, what,” asks the friend, “what is the curse?

“Bitterman,” she answers.

xx, Teal