Some time in the late 70s I read Gail Sheehy’s “Passages” about crises in the adult life. I can’t remember the book very well, but what I do remember is that it telescoped everything I was going through and would go through for the rest of my life and I came away from it saddened and depressed.

My sister’s illness that she is weathering reasonably well and she might even be brought home sometime in the coming week, drags me back into depressing thoughts of the inevitable. Ms. Sheehy’s book, as I remember, didn’t offer solutions, only dire descriptions of sad things we might all sense on a deep level but don't want to think about. I don’t think I’ll re-read it.

I have been visiting Tu every day. She is, I think, getting some comfort out of these visits. My b.i.l., Don, is there always, going home only to tend to their four cats, shower and change and returning to the hospital. However I deal with his dark side, I honor his commitment. Ed thinks Don has contributed to Tu’s inability to care for herself by taking all responsibility for daily life unto himself, cooking and cleaning, and reminding her of things she needs to do, like take her meds. She is not eating very much, so Don bought some Ensure for her and is coaxing her to sip it throughout the day.

It is hard to know how much of her dysfunction is due to over-control by her husband -- maybe some. But I also remember her early life and I think she was conditioned to resist any outside interference no matter how beneficial. Tu was outraged that she didn’t handle things well and blamed people when they stepped in to help because that made her feel even more ineffectual. That is my amateur’s psychological profile anyway. When Ed and I were visiting before we actually made the move, I was eager to interact with her. She was playing a handheld electronic game and was deeply absorbed in it. Playfully, I took it away from her so we could talk and she had a major infantile meltdown. I quietly gave it back to her and went out. When you are dealing with such a personality, there isn’t much you can do.

Exacerbating everything is that her years long dependence on major pain killers for her shingles pain, unrelenting, has messed up her brain.

Overlaying my disappointment in not being able to engage her any more on an adult level is my historical connection and underlying love for Tu that cancels out everything else.
So it goes.

xx, Teal