I didn’t realize how much being John’s friend had become part of my life. I feel rudderless, and keep thinking there is something I must do to avoid a disaster. Well, that ship has sailed.

On Saturday, Ed and I picked Buster up from Victor, who had been caring for him until we could find a home for him. We drove him to the home of our friends, Jean and Danny, half way to Punta Gorda. Jean works with Edward’s guardian lawyer as a paralegal. The live in a sparsely housed area that was once a planned, pricey gated development that went bust during the downturn. They rent a very large house for their three children, plus a friend of their daughter’s they are taking in (troubled family), and a dachshund, at a reasonable rent because the developers don’t have many options. As open as the fields are around their house, they told me the dogs would not run free because of coyotes. Now I am worried that Buster won’t have any fire hydrants and mail box posts to sniff.

The children and Daisy, their dog, got along with Buster very well. He is a dog who loves to interact with people and other dogs. Ahd he made playful moved toward Daisy. They were willing to deal with his skin condition which needs daily attention. I gave her the lotion and the shampoo from the vet, and he should have an antibiotic. However, some hours later Jean called to say the dog had peed in the house and wasn’t he housebroken? He is apparently under stress and the changes have compromised his good sense. I begged her to give him another chance. After we were off the phone, I started crying and couldn’t stop. I need to feel that Buster is going to be okay. His future is the last thing on my plate and it’s a biggie. Buster followed Ed and me to the door, thinking he was leaving with us. It was painful to leave him. I hope he learns to love his new family and that they don’t give up on him.

I am in aftershock from everything and keep waiting to feel that the world as I know it isn’t ending. It doesn’t help that Ed is ignoring a lot of his health regimen and is sneaking cigarettes and I am terrified that I’m going to lose him too. He said he would stop. Something I have learned in life because that’s just the way it is, is that very often you are really on your own. It is rare that a friend has the mental and emotional resources to step in and be family when you need them so I am not planning to lean on anyone. But it’s a lonely thing to anticipate. I have cousins in the Chicago area. We love each other, but they don’t come either. They don’t like to travel. End of story.

xx, Teal