CJ Bugster

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redimpala
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CJ Bugster
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My Wild Dreams

Life & Events > Relationships > Paradise Lost
 

Paradise Lost

Jim and I had a long talk today.  He broke down, cried, and apologized to me for all the times he had hurt me.  
"I've forgiven you."
"I know you have, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am.  I have always loved you, admired you, and looked up to you; and I am just so sorry for the things that I put you through and that I put my kids through.  I can't ever make up for them."
"All you can do, Jim," I said, "is to try to do your best from this day forward; and that includes quitting smoking.""
"I know," he said, "and my doctor wrote me a prescription for Chantix."  (He used Chantix once and quit for a month; then he quit taking the Chantix and started smoking again.)
"I've really tried the last five years to live a better life," he answered.  "Every since Larry died" (our other brother).
I've never been able not to forgive the people I love.  What hurts me so is when people inflict pain on me and themselves and never show any remorse for it.  
Then they try to go on with their lives as though they have done absolutely nothing wrong.  
I certainly have committed my share of sins; but I have confessed everyone of them openly, I have tremendous remorse about them, and I have begged God and those I hurt for forgiveness. I continue to sin every day but I believe my soul is pure because I recognize when I sin, I regret it immediately and I ask for forgiveness.
On the other hand,when a person tries to keep his sin secret, he has to do a tremendous amount of rationalizing.  In order to condone his behavior, he believes lies others tell him about me and begins to lose his conscience.   Then it becomes easy to tell those little white lies and half truths to perpetuate the myth he has even begun to believe--that what he did wasn't all that bad. Like all people who live a life of lies, he has put his faith in the material possessions of this world, turning even away from his own blood kin to in favor of those of like mind who have let money and greed become their gods.

He thinks a new, fancy home will solve all his problems and bring him peace of mind. He sleeps very little these days. Doesn't he know that God has now sent him two strong messages that his life is going down the wrong road?

He has one chance left in this world to save his soul.  No one can do it for him; he has to do it himself.  I personally don't think he is strong enough to do it; but I will continue to pray for him nonetheless and hope that I am wrong. As the good book says, "The prayer of a righteous person availeth much."
I never thought Jim would quit drinking either, and he did.  He even gave up womanizing.


posted on Sept 24, 2010 8:48 PM ()

Comments:

Does this 'new fancy house' thing he's talking about have anything to do with you moving to a nice new place in Dallas?
comment by troutbend on Sept 30, 2010 11:11 AM ()
No, the two are not related. I'm actually not talking about Jim in the second half of this blog.
reply by redimpala on Sept 30, 2010 12:04 PM ()
Sometimes, loving family members means accepting their limitations as well as their strengths. You doubt he is strong enough to make some changes, so just don't expect them. Then you will not be so disappointed. Keep loving and praying- and accepting him as he is, not the way you think he could or should be. You are such a wonderful and strong woman. It is no wonder that he admires you.
comment by dragonflyby on Sept 30, 2010 7:58 AM ()
As the oldest of three children, it always seemed to fall to me to "set the example" and be the strong one. Sometimes, that's a heavy load to carry.
reply by redimpala on Sept 30, 2010 8:25 AM ()
I know you will keep reassuring Jim that you love him and forgive him. He
needs to hear it.
comment by elderjane on Sept 28, 2010 5:26 PM ()
Yes, I will.
reply by redimpala on Sept 28, 2010 5:37 PM ()
Your relationship with your brother is touching (wrong word, but I'm drawing a blank). You care about each other, and that's the important thing. Keep up your support and love.
comment by solitaire on Sept 26, 2010 6:42 AM ()
Thanks, Randy. I care about him and many other people. I have an empathetic heart. I cannot keep from forgiving. Sometimes, I wish I could hold a grudge. There are a few who don't deserve to be forgiven.
reply by redimpala on Sept 26, 2010 5:42 PM ()
Smoking wasn't' the vice I was talking about!!!
Besides I have a feeling the chemo is not helping his skirt chasing play.
comment by greatmartin on Sept 25, 2010 9:10 AM ()
He gave up the skirt chasing after my other brother died. That was really the catalyst that began turning his life around.
reply by redimpala on Sept 26, 2010 5:43 PM ()
That was touching. I like another old saying, "While there's life, there's hope." Keep believing.
comment by jerms on Sept 25, 2010 8:57 AM ()
Til the day I die.
reply by redimpala on Sept 26, 2010 5:42 PM ()
Ed's latest effort to quit smoking seems to be "taking". He finally heard some magic words from his doctor. "You are in danger of having an aneurism because your arterial wall has thinned.")

It's good that your brother opened up to you. He must be awfully depressed with everything that is happening to him. And it appears he does appreciate your support and love.
comment by tealstar on Sept 25, 2010 7:42 AM ()
Actually, he has been much more positive than I was when I went through chemo.
reply by redimpala on Sept 26, 2010 5:44 PM ()
I too am glad he took the time to tell you all those things...and I am not at all surprised that you've forgiven him....I always thought you were that sort of person..

I dont know what his prognosis is, but if smoking is the only joy he has left in his life...and it's not a very good prognosis, maybe he should just be allowed to do it?????....I dont know..
comment by aussiegirl on Sept 25, 2010 6:45 AM ()
His prognosis is about 50-50. The doctors have, surprisingly, not demanded that he quit smoking.
reply by redimpala on Sept 26, 2010 5:45 PM ()
its hard ---- hard to apologise ---give up drinking ---yes --well not altogether ----give up smoking ---yes after 60 years 3 months now but still find myself heading outside to have one --i get as far as the door then back peddle
CHEM0 can be another form of hell , some people get real crook , i was lucky , but the radiation treatment for my cancer was real bad
comment by kevinhere on Sept 25, 2010 4:38 AM ()
I'm afraid the radiation will get rough for him too. He has to take 60 radiation treatments but only eight chemo treatments.
reply by redimpala on Sept 27, 2010 6:06 AM ()
Gave up drinking? Is going to give up smoking? Let the guy have at least 1 vice!
How's he reacting to the chemo?
comment by greatmartin on Sept 24, 2010 9:14 PM ()
So far, not too badly. He hasn't been sick at all. I would love to allow him that vice; but given the fact that he has lung cancer and a bad heart, he HAS to quit smoking.
reply by redimpala on Sept 24, 2010 10:34 PM ()
quitting drinking - huge... smoking?? eek! I am glad you spoke with your brother...
comment by kristilyn3 on Sept 24, 2010 9:07 PM ()
So am I. There were things that needed to be said and he was brave enough to say them.
reply by redimpala on Sept 24, 2010 10:34 PM ()

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