John

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John
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Men Are From Mars....

Life & Events > I Think I Used to Live with This Woman ... .
 

I Think I Used to Live with This Woman ... .

Well, not this exact woman, but you'll get the idea. This comes from an email I received this morning....

Subject: Fw: Nothing like having wings!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding its feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jenifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**** kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, ffective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

posted on Mar 10, 2008 10:17 AM ()

Comments:

Praise the Goddess for Menopause! I'm FREE!!!!!
This letter is what I should have been saying all those years of blood and
bloat and cramps. A doe eyed young man, Christian lad, once asked me sincerely, what it felt like to be trusted with God's miracle of the potential to create new life every month. I smiled on him and said: "Stick a warm, bloody dead squirrel into your underpants and keep it there six days. You will know exactly how it feels. And smells. And how your underwear will look this month, next month, every month until it ends." And I wasn't kidding.
comment by thestephymore on Mar 24, 2008 1:03 AM ()
Thanks for posting, this made me laugh out loud.
comment by beedith on Mar 24, 2008 12:11 AM ()
I love this woman...she hit it right for sure. When I first heard that commercial about a Happy Period I thought WTF
comment by elfie33 on Mar 15, 2008 8:06 PM ()
Hilarious!
comment by turftoe331 on Mar 12, 2008 2:36 PM ()
That is great!
comment by teacherwoman on Mar 11, 2008 10:48 AM ()
I really enjoyed this, that baby tells it like it is.
comment by elderjane on Mar 11, 2008 7:17 AM ()
Ah yes, the good old days.
How I never ever miss them.
comment by jthoneydew on Mar 10, 2008 11:37 PM ()
OH my PMS in the White House? Now that's a thought
comment by cindy on Mar 10, 2008 6:48 PM ()
On my next package it needs to say "Heather, please put down the gun"
comment by singlemom on Mar 10, 2008 3:14 PM ()
Letter writing raised to the level of rough art.
comment by looserobes on Mar 10, 2008 12:27 PM ()
I totally get where she is coming from!
comment by elkhound on Mar 10, 2008 11:52 AM ()
comment by fredo on Mar 10, 2008 10:25 AM ()

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