Wow. That title sounds kind of naughty, doesn’t it? Sorry to disappoint you, but this post is anything but naughty. In fact, right now, Janet Land is just about the most wholesome place in Ontario. Nothing naughty or exciting going on.

So get over it.

No…I was just thinking this morning that despite my re-gained Wonder Woman status, I suck at quite a few things. Surprised? Yeah, I’ll bet you are! No really…I suck at several things but I also ROCK at quite a few things, too! And so…because Michael is still napping and the girls are both in school and I’ve decided to take another “forgetting about it” day, despite my anger and resentment and even tears last night over the behaviour of my children’s father…I hereby present you with a list of things I suck at:

I suck at making pancakes. Yes, I wait for the bubbles. Yes, I follow the recipe or the box of mix. Yes, I pre-heat the pan. I do everything everyone tells me to do and yet, I still suck at making pancakes. I’m not sure why…and I wish I could do something to improve myself in this area, but I just suck at it. They always turn out either too mybloggers or too dry. Undercooked or overcooked. I can’t flip one very well EVEN if I wait for the blasted bubbles. I suck at making pancakes. What I need to do is find someone to make them for me, I guess.

I suck at flipping an egg. That kind of goes with the pancake breakfast theme I’ve got going on here, eh? But it’s true…I am great at scrambling eggs and I can make an over easy egg by adding water and a lid to the pan until the white cooks over top of the yolk, but I suck ass at trying to flip an egg. I nearly always break the yolk or turn it into a huge mess. I worked at a restaurant for several years way back when and whenever I worked the early, early breakfast shift, I would serve instead of cook. My boss asked me to flip an egg once or twice, I fucked them up, he decided I cook serve instead. I was happy. He was happy (if not a bit shocked… “how can you not flip an egg, Janet?!”). And the customers who wanted their yolks in tack (oh Mr. Paskowski! Is that the right spelling? In tack? In tac? In tact? HELP!) were happiest.

I suck at swallowing pills. Now this is something that I * used * to be good at. Really good at. Like, swallow five or six pills before a Rancid show with no water kinda good. I was the queen of dry swallowing for a while and I think I wrecked myself by doing it. Now I have trouble swallowing a pill even with a big glass of water. I always feel as though I’m going to choke and I’m always convinced afterward that the pill is lodged in my throat, ready to burn through the lining and create a Tylenol sized hole. I even make a little, “ah” sound when I swallow a particularly large pill. * blush * This means that I usually look for the easy to swallow varieties of medication and avoid taking large tablets as a general rule. So, it’s great that I’ve started a new vitamin regime, eh? Now I get to take five huge fucking vitamins every morning. And then I take another four at lunch time. And then I take another one at three o’clock. And then, finally, another four at dinner. Good times. Good times. Ha.

I suck at directions. In fact, this might be the thing that I suck the worst at, EVER. I have no natural sense of direction whatsoever to speak of. I can get lost anywhere at any time. I have to write down directions every time I venture someplace out of my comfort zone (which is pretty much anywhere not in Janet Land. Ah shit…there are even places within Janet Land that I require directions for!) and I have to repeat those directions no matter how times I visit that spot. I never remember. I am perpetually scared of getting lost or missing a turn or an exit. I am even worse at giving directions to someone. Nothing makes me cringe more than when someone walks into work looking for directions to someplace. Even if I know where it is! I’m terrible at trying to describe it. Part of this problem lies in the fact that I can never remember the names of streets. I’m more of a landmark kinda gal. But that’s not helpful when you’re directing someone who is lost, is it? Telling them to look for the house that used to be apartments when you were little and you had a baby sitter who lived in one and one time your dad tried to drop you off but the baby sitter wouldn’t answer the door so your Dad had to take you to your grandma’s…that’s not going to help anyone, is it?! So, I usually just point and then ask someone else to give the lost person a clue.

As an extension to sucking at directions, I should also mention that “North South East West” makes no sense to me. At all. I couldn’t find North to save my life. All that I know is that Canada is north of the US and that Ontario is in the middle. I know which provinces count as “out west” and which ones are “out east”. And that’s it. I’m also terrible with a map, atlas or globe. I just suck.

I suck at maintaining will power. No really… I’m terrible at it. I can come up with a plan but suck at following through. Case in point: I am finally about five pounds away from my pre-Michael, skinny as I’d been in about six years weight. I * know * that if I would just stick to it, I could lose that weight. I know it because about three years ago, I lost over sixty pounds by doing just that. But quite frankly, I am not willing to give up my occasional bowl of ice cream or chocolate bar to get there. That doesn’t make any sense, I know, but it’s the truth. It’s also why I don’t, and will never have, a gym membership. It would be the biggest waste of money for me because I KNOW that I wouldn’t go. Ever. If I go to Hell when I die (and let’s face it…I stand a pretty damn good chance!), I’m convinced it will just be a big gym full of buffed up trainers screaming at people. And I will want to die all over again. So even though I detest my mummy tummy, I will just stick to complaining and whining about it.

I suck at taking pictures. I have no idea why. But my photos are terrible. My kids take better pictures than I do…’nuff said.

I suck at remembering the names to songs. I also suck at remembering the band or artist who played the song. BUT…I am awesome at remembering the words or tunes to songs and I have this strange knowledge of random songs. Like if I’m in a store, I’ll likely know the song that’s playing, however shitty or old it is. Or if you turn on the radio, I’ll probably know the song. Even if I don’t like that type of music and even if I don’t listen to that radio station ( which is quite likely since I rarely listen to the radio at all… only in the car with Rock. If I’m driving, I play CDs. If I’m at home, I play CDs). And this leads me to ….

Things that I ROCK at!

I rock at baking. Not sure why, but it might make up for the lack of pancake making skill and terrible egg turning abilities. I am one of those people whose baking nearly always turns out. And if the first batch of something doesn’t quite end up the way it was supposed, I can usually fix it. I like to bake. Muffins, cookies, loaves, bread, squares, crackers, cakes…and it pretty much always turns out well. I didn’t inherit this gift, I believe, because my mother sucks at baking. Everything she tries to bake turns out burned or “tanned” or it doesn’t rise the way it should or it just sucks ass. But I am a natural born baker. And if you’re really, really nice to me, I will bake you a pan of Emma Bars or Kate Squares or I will bake you a magnificent strawberry loaf or whip up the best brownies you’ve ever had. If I were you, I’d start sucking up right now. Ha!

I rock at merchandising. I know, I know…this is a sad skill to be proud of, but I can’t help it. It’s one of the only things that I still love about my job. Nothing excites me more (at work, anyway) than a trolley stacked high with boxes, all full of clothes or shoes or hats or mittens, all needing to be put out in a nice, appealing, “come and buy some!” kind of way. And I’m good at it. Crazy good at it. A lot of my job on the weekends is moving merchandise around the store, creating displays and figuring out how to cram twice as much stuff into half as much space. Move this here, move that there, put those with these, take that away and tuck it over there….when I’m finished I stand back and take it in…look at it…and then, yes, I usually sigh in a very content way. Cuz I’m a nerd like that. And then I stalk customers who are touching the display. Moving stuff around. Messing it up. And I have to resist the urge to interrupt them or freak out at them for wrecking my hard work. Cuz I’m a nerd like that.

I rock at talking. Oh shut up. I know I talk a lot! Look at how long this fucking post is! And it’s not even really about something! But I don’t just mean that I can talk a lot. I mean that I also am good at talking. To anyone. It’s another skill I picked up while working in some kind of public service capacity for the last ten years or so. I can talk to anyone. Which is strange, isn’t it? Considering how fucking anti social I really am at heart. But the point is, I can make chit chat with a stranger, get the whole story out of an irate customer (and get them calmed down in record time) and I can handle a customer that nobody else will deal with. Drunk customers. High customers. Customers who want to jerk off into a lady’s swimsuit in our fitting room (oh yes…it’s true!). Customers who are a bit on the, um, slow side (what was that term that walkingwithgrace used? Twinkie?) and customers who are a lot on the slow side. I can talk to them all. This skill also extends to my regular day to day life, too. Random people on the street, the employees at my favorite coffee shop, servers in a restaurant….I can talk to them all. I’d just rather not.

I rock at NOT sleeping. I am the queen of the sleep deprived. I once saw a onesie that said, “SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK” and I not only wanted it for Michael, I also wanted one for myself. I’m pretty darn good at going without sleep probably because I’m on my third child and sleeping through the night for more than one or two nights in a row hasn’t happened in over seven years. But I can also stay up really late. And not get tired. I can stay up late for days in a row, get up with the baby who is teething and then get up early and not be tired. Until about day four or five. And then I crash. The really strange thing is that I love to sleep, just like most people. I especially love sleeping in. Doesn’t happen too often, but I do like it! Most of the time, my sleep deprivation is a result of children or having something better to do. (* wink *)

You know what? That might be it! I can already think of five or six more things that I suck at but I’m having trouble coming up with other things that I rock at. Hmmm…well, I can think of a handful of things but this is a G-rated blog so I’ll refrain. Ha. Actually, I guess it’s a PG-13 blog. Okay, okay, Mel…it’s an R rated blog, okay? Ha!

Happy May Everyone! Hope the flowers are blooming wherever you are