I am knee deep in an old defense mechanism this morning.

I am not thinking about it.

Thanks to * all * of you who posted such wonderful and supportive comments on the bottom of yesterday’s post. When I read through it, I was embarrassed and overwhelmed by how much I sounded like a spoiled fucking brat. The fact that any of you were able to write anything besides how much I sounded like a brat is a real testament to how terrific and non-judgemental all of you are (even if you were thinking, “what a spoiled fucking brat” when you wrote the comment! Ha!).

So, thank you. All of you.

This morning, I felt like I should write something else. Clear a few things up. Share with all of you the new plan of attack. Share with all of you the way that progress * will * be made and tell you that this leg of the journey is becoming more and more about Janet learning how to accept happiness for herself. Janet learning that sometimes she can be worth the effort of others (that was something I wasn’t too clear on yesterday…I’m not scared of making an effort, I just don’t like other people, my American Boy in particular, to have to put forth any kind of effort…I don’t feel as though I’m worth that…). Janet learning to stand up and take for herself without taking care of everyone else first.

And that’s hard.

But this morning, after reading the comments, I knew I couldn’t share any more. I don’t have it in me. I am hiding and not thinking about it. Just for today. I am putting one foot in front of the other, doing all of the things that need to be done each and every day and forgetting about it.

The forgetting about it is often the thing that gives me clarity. It is often in not thinking about something that I receive a most clear answer to my problems and a new plan…a new scheme…starts to materialize.

So, without further adieu, here is a list of the most random and boring Janet Land tidbits.

Did you know….

That Kate talks non-stop all day? From the minute she gets up in the morning until the minute she falls asleep at night, she is nattering and chattering and singing little made up songs and talking to anyone from me to her imaginary friends to me to her apple to me to her chair to me to her sweater to me to her brother to me to her “students” to me….It never ends. She even talks away while she’s laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I go in there from time to time, ready to give her and Emma shit for talking instead of closing their eyes and falling asleep only to find that Emma is already out like a light and it is only Kate’s voice I hear, yakking away to nothing and nobody in particular, about nothing in particular. Right now I can hear her singing and humming and talking to her coloring book. Kinda makes me want to look into ear plugs, to be honest.

Did you know….

That my oldest daughter, Emma, is right now, as I write, at the dump? Oh sorry…I mean the “Waste Recovery Center”. Yes, that’s right…Emma is learning about recycling and garbage and compost at the dump today. It was a field trip. And believe me, it was hard not to giggle as she informed me that she had to wear old clothes and old shoes. Tax dollars at work, I’m tellin’ ya!

Did you know…

That I am a curly haired goddess once again? Rock, in a fit of being kind to me, permed my hair for me on Saturday night after I got home from work. My hair is, obviously, longer than it was back in November or December and it’s been a bit abused in the months in between so it’s a bit puffier and crazier than before but I fucking love it! It’s so janetk and the best part is that the perm lends itself very well to dreads…the back of my head is pretty much covered in dreads now…which means that it shouldn’t be long before I have a head full of dreadlocks and never have to worry about doing my hair again! Three cheers for laziness!

Did you know…

That there are certain blogs that I try to visit but that just won’t load for me? Angiedw is one of them. I’ve been trying to read her posts for a few days now but I can never seem to get on. So is AJ lunarhunk’s. The most that I could do was post a comment on the front page…I couldn’t read anything at all. So, if you haven’t seen me hovering around your blog (first of all, feel free to heave a sigh of relief! Ha!), it’s not because I’m neglecting you, okay? I can’t get the page to load. Maybe it’s MyBloggers maybe it’s my computer but most likely, it’s the dial up and for right now, that’s the only connection to the inter slice that I have. So bear with me (bare with me? Oh Mr. Paskowski…the kind of grammar! Is it bear or bare?!)…I’ll be back to stalk you soon enough.

Did you know…

That I had the most rotten weekend at work? It was part of the reason for me not blogging at all over the weekend. It was THAT bad and I knew that I was a big ball of nastiness and negativity and hatefulness so I just avoided spewing that venom. Well, I avoided spewing it on here, anyway! Didn’t mean that I didn’t tear anyone a new asshole about video games because I was in a snit. * Blush *. I’m going to spare all of you the details…just suffice it to say that I am giving it until Friday. That will be the last day in this pay period. And I want that pay cheque. But after that…who knows? Plus, I will have my schedule for the next two weeks by Friday and if I didn’t get my requested Friday the 16th off, I will walk out, mark my words. And then…who knows? All that I do know is that I must be worth more than that job because I wouldn’t let my children speak to me that way, let alone Rock or Don or my friends…so why I think I should take it because I’m being paid is beyond me. Now if I could just find my backbone…

Did you know…

That in two weeks and two days, I will be flying out of Canada? And I will visiting the American Boy? For five whole days! Can I get a woo hoo?! Well, I’ll really be there for three solid days, the traveling time accounts for the extra two days, but you get my drift. That’s right, my American blogging buddies! Janetk will be in America! And I am taking your country by storm! There are so many things I want to do…like visit a Target. I’ve never been. And find out what American cheese is. And eat one of these French bread pizzas that Don raves about. Oh, and have an American beer because I’ve heard it sucks ass. And I am hoping to have a head ache while I’m there so that I can choose from your many and varied pain relief options. Us Canadians are pretty deprived when it comes to stuff like that, you know. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to meet George Bush. Give him a piece of my Canadian mind. About this war and such. And the lack of free medical care. Surgery and doctor’s appointments should be free! Someone should get on that! So, which way to the White House?

Did you know…

That while I was standing outside, assessing the cloud situation and hoping to get at least the bath mats and towels on the line even if the clothes have to go in the dryer, I heard a voice, clear as day, say to me, “Let it happen, Janet. Let it happen.”

That’s the lesson of the day, I guess.

I need to learn to let it happen.

No small task for a control freak like me.

But I’m learning.