It’s January and unless you’re living someplace tropical, winter is starting to close in around us. We’re all getting a case of the winter blahs and the cabin fever crazies. This is the time of year when we all have to get creative, throw caution to the wind and vow to keep the nutties away.

I’m also thinking of a someone I know who has a little trouble kickin’ it and even though it will probably make him shudder, curl up in the fetal position and suck his thumb…. I’m starting to care about him. So this list is for his benefit, too.

See? I think of people. Well, sometimes…as long as there isn’t something good on facebook to distract me…

So, without further adieu, I bring unto you, “Janetk’s List Of Fun Shit To Do”. There’s something for everyone and I hope it helps ease your winter blahs…and maybe makes you relax a little…

Ahem.

1. Dance. Put on some classic, funky music and dance, dance, dance. I highly recommend Michael Jackson’s classic “Off The Wall”…it’s what I’ve been shakin’ my booty to lately and I challenge anyone to sit still when he croons, “livin’ crazy, that’s the only way!”
2. Make out. Find your significant other and start making out with them with no intentions of it going any further. Kissing is highly underrated. If you’re single, and can’t find anyone up for a make out session, you’re going to have to feel yourself up. Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone. Likewise, if the idea of getting hot and heavy with your significant other makes you wish you were single, feel free to go it solo. I won’t tell. Promise.
3. Make a donut sundae. There isn’t a person alive that can’t be cheered up with this and if there was, they would deserve to be shot with a ball of their own shit. What’s a donut sundae, you ask? Well, you take your favourite donut…mine is Canadian Maple from Tim Horton’s…and then put a scoop of your favourite ice cream in the donut’s hole. And then you add your favourite sundae toppings like chocolate sauce, butterscotch, whipped cream, etc. Then you eat it. And grin like a fool full of fattening lovely-ness.
4. Go to a sex store. Yes. You read that right. Go to the porn store. Browse around. Bring a coffee or tea with you in case you start foaming at the mouth. After you become immune to the plethora of enhanced breasts and still shots of faces covered in semen, make your way over to the toy section. Have some fun looking and wondering and then…buy something. Remember that everyone is in there for roughly the same reason, check your pride at the door and buy something that looks interesting, either for you and a partner or just you.
5. Go home and use your purchase. Nothing takes the blah out of winter like a good, old fashioned orgasm.
6. Google something. Anything. Just google something random. Try putting weird words together and see what it comes up with. Try putting dirty words with regular words and see what happens. You’ll be amazed by what you discover. Some fun examples include, “paper sluts”, “chair porn” and of course, “how to kill my kids”. Oh wait. That last one wasn’t one of my random searches…
7. Paint your bathroom. Remember janetk’s cardinal rule: “Life is too short to look at white walls and eat low fat cheese”. The last part of that rule doesn’t apply here, but you probably already guessed that. I hate white walls and refuse to have any in my house. My bathroom is purple. I suggest going to your favourite home improvement store and picking your favourite colour. Have a look-see at the paint chips. It’s pretty fun. Then buy the paint before you have a chance to change your mind. Then go home and use it. If you already bought it, chances are that guilt over not using it will eat you alive. Paint the bathroom, change the shower curtain or towels if they no longer match and know that no matter what it’s doing outside, one room in your house will always be cheery. And not white. Because that’s just wrong.
8. Get a tattoo. Oh you know you want to. Tattoos are fun! Now, generally, my rule of thumb for tattoos is “go big or go home” but I realize that not everyone will feel the same, especially if you’re on the conservative side of average or if it’s your first time getting inked so I’ll forgive a tiny dolphin on the ankle or your kid’s name in Chinese. Just don’t let it happen again, ‘kay? A trip to your local tattoo parlour can provide hours of entertainment even before you hear the buzz of the gun. Look through the books there, check out your artist’s portfolio (this is a MUST since you want to be sure they guy or gal knows what the fuck they’re doing), think of what you’d like to have permanently etched onto your body and go for it. Put down the deposit, make the appointment and enjoy your newly decorated skin. After the healing is finished, anyway.
9. Go to YouTube and search Caroline Meiss. Open your mind and watch at least one of her videos. You have my permission to close your mind back up when it’s over but I really hope you don’t. If you like what you see, find her book, “Anatomy of the Spirit”. Great read.
10. Move furniture around. Re-arrange a room. Hell, the bathroom is freshly painted and now the rest of the house looks drab as fuck! So pick a room and start moving. It will feel like you’ve moved into a whole new house. And you’ll probably want to start re-arranging more rooms. Just be sure to take breaks in between so that you don’t meet your death at the end of a sofa.
11. Have a movie night. Or a whole movie day if you’re not the single mother of three children who insist on, like, loving you or whatever. Dig out your favourite movies or rent them if you don’t own your best titles, make some popcorn, buy some chips and dip and soda or, better yet, coolers or beer, curl up on the couch, wrap yourself in a blanket and let everything go. Make a marathon night out of it and watch as many movies as you can until your eyes start drooping and the couch becomes your bed. There is nothing like a cozy movie night to make you feel good…especially if you’re sharing it with someone you love.
12. Make a list of at least ten things you’re thankful for. Spend a long time on it and think of why you’re thankful for your good health, children, spouse, dog, rat, nachos from Taco Bell and the person who invented fleece. Reflect on each item on your list and watch as you go from ten to twenty in a flash. Once we start making a conscious effort to be thankful, the reasons to give thanks seem to start growing. It’s just a matter of shifting your consciousness. Post the list on your blog if you feel like sharing. You might just get someone else to do the same and feel better for having done it.
13. Lay on your bed or sit in your comfiest chair (like, say, if you just bought a super comfortable chair at Value Village for twenty dollars and now spend way too much time sitting in it and trying not to think about the person who clearly would had to have died in order to give the thing away, it’s that comfortable) and breathe. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? Just do it anyway. Sit or lay down and breathe. Follow your breathe, track it and feel it fill your lungs before you exhale. As you exhale, picture all of the stress of the day being blown away with your air. Lay there and breathe until you start to feel yourself fall through the mattress. You’ll probably fall asleep. But that’s okay because…
14. Take a nap! Nothing beats a good nap in the middle of the day. You’ll feel better for it and you’ll also feel spoiled because in a world gone mad with obligations and hectic craziness, most of us don’t take the time to get enough rest.
15. Go to the fitting rooms at one of your favourite stores. Once you’re inside, wait about five to ten minutes before shouting, “HEY! THERE ISN’T ANY TOILET PAPER IN THIS STALL!”
16. Take a mini vacation to Canada by saying, “eh?” after every sentence. For example, “what’s for dinner tonight, eh?” or “I need you to shave my back for me, eh?” or even, “I went to the porn store today, eh?” It will be like a vacation from yourself.
17. Get a manicure or pedicure or better yet…BOTH! And don’t bother trying to tell me you can’t because you’re a guy. Guys can have manicures and pedicures. You have fingers and toes, don’t you? They feel good and look good…especially if you choose a non-traditional colour like purple or black polish. And while you’re there, get a bikini wax. It’s about time you guys felt the pain women go through so that you don’t have pubic hair in your mouth.
18. Buy and eat some Hershey’s kisses. They are little foil wrapped nuggets of happiness.
19. Look me up on facebook. Lots of you have already done this and I want to encourage the rest of you to do it, too. I’ll give you my real last name if you e-mail me. Facebook is a great boredom buster since it’s as addictive as crack and never fucking ending what with application requests and friend requests and stalking ex-boyfriends and such. After you sign up, though, you might want to make a quick survival kit to leave next to the computer. You’ll probably be there for a few days. And if all else fails, you’ll be guaranteed to get a poke from yours truly!
20. Listen to the Clash’s album, “London Calling”. There is just something about that album that lifts the spirit. I suggest listening to it in the car, turned up crazy fucking loud, of course. Driving will actually seem fun again and you’ll likely take your time getting to wherever you need to go if you’re listening to Joe Strummer belt out, “Oh, they’re looking for Jimmy Jazz, Jazz, Jazz, Jazz…” I challenge anyone to keep their asses planted firmly on the seat while listening to this CD. And bonus…Kids * love * the Clash.

There. That’s twenty suggestions straight from this Canadian Girl. I strongly recommend doing each and every one of them, in that order. By the time you dance, make out, eat a sundae, go to the porn store, masturbate, abuse Google, paint your bathroom, get a tattoo, watch Caroline Meiss, move furniture around, have a movie night, make a grateful list, learn to breathe, take a nap, give the fitting room staff a heart attack, visit Canada, eh?, have a manicure and a pedicure, eat some Hershey’s kisses, find me on facebook and get poked a good handful of times and listen to the Clash while you take a drive, it will be spring.

And then we’ll have nothing to complain about.

Well, theoretically, anyway.