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Life & Events > Relationships > Still Awake

Still Awake

I have no idea what to write but I've laid in bed and then got up for a cookie and a drink and am back here again, still awake. So I thought there must be something inside of me that just needs to be released before maybe I'll be lucky enough to catch 5 hours sleep before the alarm sounds.

I felt sad today and I cried tonight. I know this is to be expected and even necessary but it feels so awful. I know that we can't go back and I don't want to go back. But saying goodbye to a relationship that you've had for 21 of the 34 years I've had here on earth is really sad. It's a death in a way. A death of a dream. A death of a promise. Tonight I started to mourn for all the memories that we thought would turn into stories we'd tell our grandchildren together, while showing them pictures of us fishing at 14 with my grandparents or all dressed up at our 9th grade formal dance or any of the other thousands of pictures we have as we've literally grown up together and experienced so much together. But unfortunately as we grew up we also grew out...of love. Or at least in the love it takes to have the kind of marriage I want. >At 14 our first song was Reo Speedwagon "When I said that I loved you I meant- that I'd love you forever." I think we both really tried hard to live up to those words and yet a part of me still feels guilty. The thing is though (and I pray with all my heart it continues this way)- I still think this is true. I can't picture a day when there is no love in my heart for him. He has been so much to me for so many years. He hasn't been perfect but I believe that he did the best he knew how to. I certainly haven't been perfect either though and I hope he understands that I did the best I could. As of right now, I believe he knows it.

He's still away until Tuesday night. I haven't told him that I actually got the funding for the mobile home but he did know that I was trying to. I didn't want to tell him during his trip because I thought it would just be harder on him.

posted on Mar 16, 2008 10:04 PM ()


This was a beautiful post. I know it was hard and it is hard, but your words and your thoughts truly show your beauty in this world, Gwen. Truly. I'm so glad to hear that you guys don't hate one another. Your kids will benefit - you ALL will benefit without the hatred.
comment by mrsstu on Mar 17, 2008 9:06 AM ()
I married young the first time, and as we grew older we "grew up" - We changed as we are supposed to, and because of it we no longer wanted the same things in life. We stayed together 10 years, and sadly for us it ended bitterly.
You will stay on this roller coaster for awhile sweetie, and I think just writing as you are is a great help. If EVER you need to talk I will be here and you are more than welcome to call! Hang in there and know that you have an amazing amount of support here!!
Love to you!
comment by greeneyedgemini on Mar 17, 2008 8:42 AM ()
It is a death, and you are mourning. You are okay, though. You're making strides in the right direction. Before I married my hubby that I've been with for 28 years, I was in a bad marriage. It's a lot to go through at any age. Hang in there, you've got friends here
comment by teacherwoman on Mar 17, 2008 8:35 AM ()
I think the feelings you are having are pretty natural. I can see myself feeling the same way. Maybe you guys can still be really good friends after all of this. You have so much history behind you.
comment by lunarhunk on Mar 17, 2008 7:42 AM ()
comment by elkhound on Mar 17, 2008 6:14 AM ()
Yes, you are saying goodbye to a live and relationship that has been much of who you are. It is very sad, but I must compliment you on your attitude toward your husband as the man. It is so much better to be able to part without animosity and ill will.
comment by angiedw on Mar 17, 2008 6:03 AM ()
I'm sure there are a lot of emotions you are going to go through with this. It doesn't make it any easier. Hang in there!!
comment by texastar on Mar 16, 2008 10:09 PM ()

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