I have no idea what to write but I've laid in bed and then got up for a cookie and a drink and am back here again, still awake. So I thought there must be something inside of me that just needs to be released before maybe I'll be lucky enough to catch 5 hours sleep before the alarm sounds.
I felt sad today and I cried tonight. I know this is to be expected and even necessary but it feels so awful. I know that we can't go back and I don't want to go back. But saying goodbye to a relationship that you've had for 21 of the 34 years I've had here on earth is really sad. It's a death in a way. A death of a dream. A death of a promise. Tonight I started to mourn for all the memories that we thought would turn into stories we'd tell our grandchildren together, while showing them pictures of us fishing at 14 with my grandparents or all dressed up at our 9th grade formal dance or any of the other thousands of pictures we have as we've literally grown up together and experienced so much together. But unfortunately as we grew up we also grew out...of love. Or at least in the love it takes to have the kind of marriage I want. >At 14 our first song was Reo Speedwagon "When I said that I loved you I meant- that I'd love you forever." I think we both really tried hard to live up to those words and yet a part of me still feels guilty. The thing is though (and I pray with all my heart it continues this way)- I still think this is true. I can't picture a day when there is no love in my heart for him. He has been so much to me for so many years. He hasn't been perfect but I believe that he did the best he knew how to. I certainly haven't been perfect either though and I hope he understands that I did the best I could. As of right now, I believe he knows it.
He's still away until Tuesday night. I haven't told him that I actually got the funding for the mobile home but he did know that I was trying to. I didn't want to tell him during his trip because I thought it would just be harder on him.