I sit here this afternoon, after an unimaginably difficult day of work and I just want to sink into a deep sleep and make the feelings go away. The anxiety, the nausea, the sadness, the loneliness, the end.

I was told last night to expect a trip to our state from his new friend in KY at some point in the near future. I sobbed myself to sleep last night and slept very restlessly. I awoke a couple of times with blankets twisted all around me. I awoke a final time before the alarm almost wanting to get up, but not go to work. I don't know what I wanted to do. I guess....I wanted to be held, to be loved, to feel safe.

I've got to do this all for myself and I don't know how. It seems like it was all so easy for him to get over me.

I feel like everything I say, I've said a thousand times before. I just can't get past it. I'm going through it. I'm not trying to go around it. But I wish there was a direct route to the other side, no more windy roads and hill.

He's taking the kids tonight and all I feel like doing is going to bed and cry myself to sleep again. I mean I don't want to do this. I want to be held and have somebody who loves me so much that it will make all the pain go away. But wishes are just wishes and as I've learned...I must be careful what I wish for. It seems that it doesn't happen fast, but what I wish for does usually come true. The only problem being that when my wish comes true and I think I'm finally going to be happy and loved, I'm not.