I'm going to say that my feelings during this post are do to my social anxieties. I say this because I know that this is how I perceive things but I also know that I don't always perceive things exactly how they are.

It seems almost anywhere I go, anything I do...I feel out of place. Today was just another example. When I arrived at the house where the lunch was taking place for a girl at work, I was about 4 minutes early (this is my on time). The host wasn't there but her husband was. We stood in the kitchen, the kids and I, talking to ourselves (trying not to appear too uncomfortable).

Another woman arrives (the teacher who retired this year) and she gives a warm hello but a puzzled look as she says "I didn't know you were coming". I think I could read through her fake smile that perhaps she was worried there wouldn't be enough food. I said that I had spoke to the bday girl yesterday and that she had said to bring chips. She mentioned to the kids that we could go outside so I took the kids outside and said to her "See you outside". If she responded, I didn't hear her.

Quite a few minutes later the hostess came out and said hello and they were still scattering to tidy up the pool area and such. I got to see a bat really close up (freaky) and it almost flew into my head after flying on the husband's back (crazy). She went back inside and her daughter came out; she's 3. I heard more people arrive, but nobody came out. Finally after what felt to be an eternity (but most likely was about 15 mins.) they all came out. Then things got a little more social and I at least felt like I was at the same get-together as everybody else. Everyone congratulated me on getting the job, but they seemed distant. I know I was feeling reserved as well though, so there is no doubt that I was sending off vibes which may have made me less open to conversation I guess. Some of the teachers brought their spouses. As happy as I am, it feels so weird not being a "married" mom and teacher.

Whether it was because:
*I've been feeling inadequate as a teacher because of being jerked around all Summer

or

*I was the un-married mom amongst a bunch of married teachers

or

*I was once again in a house that I wouldn't even dream up owning with expensive flat screen tvs, name brand furniture and an extensive pool area.

or a combination of all of them plus many more...

There is always at least one reason why I feel out of place anywhere except my home.

There's another garbage bag of inadequacy that needs to be dumped. Old baggage clings to us so that we don't recognize that it is not a part of us. It's so hard to get rid of it. I can't put it outside with my trash or put it out front with a big sign that says "Free Inadequacy" and wait for someone to take it away! Hmmm...

glitter-graphics.com