In
martial arts, the mental aspect is as important as the physical. You
cannot just execute the movements with no thought to what you are
doing. You must first picture in your mind what it is you are going
to do. If you are not mentally aware of what you are doing, you will
not perform to your full extent. This is where I was last night.
Physically I was capable, mentally I was not there. I had a lot on my
mind and it was evident as I practiced my form, my defense and
sparring techniques. Mr. John was very aware of my decreased
performance. It was my poorest performance in class.

For our
warm up we did jogging again. Now last time we did this, I was able
to keep up with everyone and not have to stop. Last night I had to
stop one time, actually I walked while they ran. Mr. John came along
side me and grabbed my arm to start running again. At that point I
knew it was going to be a rough class and that Mr. John would not
allow me to lag behind.

We had
to do our forms. I had all the movements right, just not the force
needed to accurately perform my stances. We then moved on to our
sparring moves. I totally blanked out and did not remember the proper
way to defeat my opponent. Mr. John looked at me as if he was
thinking, what is going on in your mind? My defensive moves were also
off. Again he pointed out what I was doing wrong.

I find
that the sparring moves are harder for me to master. There are many
complicated movements and you must get them right and do them fast.
The only highpoint to class was at the end we performed I form one
over and over, as fast as our Master could call out the numbers. I
did great at that! Which was quite odd to me. We were going so fast
and there were students getting confused and going the wrong way.
After my poor performance in class I was quite shocked to see I did
well with this exercise.

I am off
work today and I believe Mr. John is working today. I am going to go
to walmart and explain to him what was going on and that I need some
extra help with my sparring and defense. My mind was just not with me
last night. I had so many things running through my head and letting
doubts filter in. My mind was on other things, things I wish I could
just leave alone. Words running through my head and feelings of
inadequacy.

I was
very tired yesterday and it was more of a mental fatigue rather than
physical. I am hoping today I can get my mind back into focus. I must
remember that I am a strong person, in mind and body. I must remember
that only I can allow myself to feel defeated by words. I can choose
to be defeated or I can choose to rise above and remember all that I
have learned about myself the last several months.

Tae kwon
do is not just an exercise to me. It is making me stronger in my
spirit and showing me all that I am capable of. It is forcing me to
not be timid and weak. Last night I allowed outside influences to
bring me down. I allowed myself to feel awkward and off balance. I
was very disheartened when we came home. I was mad at myself for
allowing those old mind sets to filter back in. I wanted to cry and
curl up in a ball and retreat.

Today I
will start over with my new me. I will be strong in body and spirit.
I will acknowledge that I have strengths and weaknesses and that is
fine to ask for help. It does not make me weak to admit I need help
and encouragement. It is not a weakness to ask someone to listen to
my problems. The person I confide in will not think less of me.