The big C-word scare made me stop and reassess my life. Believe me; you did not want to be subjected to my constant internal pity-parties, the endless questioning my life and myself, and flip-flopping on thoughts and ideas as I struggled with these things.

For my birthday on Jan. 19, my son did not send me a card- not even on behalf of my grandsons. I told him I had some tests coming up to rule out cancer and about the scheduled biopsies. He never bothered calling me to see how I was/ask about the test results, etc.

There I was, facing the cancer scare and my only son did not care, and when I looked at where I was in life, I was not pleased: Over sixty, alone, deeply in debt, in a house with a leaky roof that I had difficulty getting fixed. I allowed the USCG Auxiliary to take over my life to the exclusion of other activities- like painting. I could not help but question, is this all there is? Is this what life is all about? There just had to be more! It did not help that for eight days after the biopsy, I was hooked up to a catheter and could not even go to the bathroom on my own.

One of the things that depress me the most is my debt. My sister wants me to live with her, so I could walk away from my house, live with her and pay off my debts. I could be a bit of a gypsy and travel, meet all of my mybloggers friends, visit family, all sorts of alternatives. The downside is I would have to pack everything, get rid of most of what I have and store the rest, and it would likely be 2-5 years before I could buy another house. (Step into a 30 or 20 year mortgage when I am nearly 70 years old? Downright insane!)

To keep the house, I need to get the roof fixed and address some other pressing repair and maintenance issues, work at reducing my debt… I get exhausted just thinking about it all, and after all is said and done, I am the same person with the same life I described above: alone, in debt, etc., etc.

I did finally figure out what had to be changed. I need to be less involved with the Auxiliary and more involved in my own life. Paint more. Spend more time with friends. Yes, I can change. I quit smoking, so I know that I can succeed in changing anything in my life.