I have come to understand that too often the feelings and impressions we form as children about other family members last our lifetimes. My sisters are a case in point.

My family was severely damaged. We suffered sexual abuse, my mother's alcoholism, and a child welfare system that broke us up and placed us in different foster homes and institutions. I was the family scapegoat. It was 'my fault' that my father was sent to prison because I reported the abuse. It was 'my fault' that my mother drank to the point where her children were removed by the state. I was the first to leave because I begged the child welfare department to place me somewhere else- anywhere else. The others were removed later for severe neglect.

Somewhere in all of that started the accusation that I think I am better than everyone else (within my family). It did not help that many years later, I was the only one who graduated high school and went on to college, finally earning a Master's degree. I never loved them any less and believed that how they were was not their fault. They were simply victims of their environment.

Over the years, I waffled back and forth between trying to maintain a relationship with them and keeping my distance. It always came back to the things I was to blame for in our childhoods and the accusations that I think I am smarter and better than them. It meant I could never disagree with them because that ALWAYS ended with the accusation about how I think I am smarter!

After Tod died (two years ago yesterday)I tried once again to reach out to them. For a while I thought I had overcome all of that past stuff with one of my younger sisters, and even visited my oldest sister in NY last year. I took her to the awards reception at the Salmagundi Art Club with me. Big mistake! That triggered all of the old jealousies- and of course, the old, "I think I am better/ smarter than them." She has refused to speak to me since (although she will talk about me to anyone who will listen). It did not help that we visited my oldest son in PA who has a great job, a beautiful home and a great life. The younger sister, by the way, attacked me with all of the old accusations just a few months after Tod's funeral- no reason, just the same old, 'I think I am smarter and better' crap.

This is long enough so I will not write about the precipitating event (I was not involved but heard about it after the fact), but I finally wrote to both of my spiteful sisters that they are no longer a part of my life. I think over 50 years of being blamed is enough. I will never change their minds or their hearts. Those childhood myths are too deeply embedded and color their every feeling for me.

I still have my two youngest sisters. One was removed too young to be filled with all of that hateful nonsense and the other had a different mother and did not grow up hearing this stuff. I thought I could never- would never reach the point where I would choose to permanently remove them from my life, but I feel like a yoke has been lifted from me. I will no longer be defined by those childhood myths and accusations. I am free at last!