Dottie Riley

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dragonflyby
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Dottie Riley
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Brandon, FL
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01/19
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Design

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Brush Strokes

Life & Events > Relationships > Removing the Yoke of Childhood
 

Removing the Yoke of Childhood

I have come to understand that too often the feelings and impressions we form as children about other family members last our lifetimes. My sisters are a case in point.

My family was severely damaged. We suffered sexual abuse, my mother's alcoholism, and a child welfare system that broke us up and placed us in different foster homes and institutions. I was the family scapegoat. It was 'my fault' that my father was sent to prison because I reported the abuse. It was 'my fault' that my mother drank to the point where her children were removed by the state. I was the first to leave because I begged the child welfare department to place me somewhere else- anywhere else. The others were removed later for severe neglect.

Somewhere in all of that started the accusation that I think I am better than everyone else (within my family). It did not help that many years later, I was the only one who graduated high school and went on to college, finally earning a Master's degree. I never loved them any less and believed that how they were was not their fault. They were simply victims of their environment.

Over the years, I waffled back and forth between trying to maintain a relationship with them and keeping my distance. It always came back to the things I was to blame for in our childhoods and the accusations that I think I am smarter and better than them. It meant I could never disagree with them because that ALWAYS ended with the accusation about how I think I am smarter!

After Tod died (two years ago yesterday)I tried once again to reach out to them. For a while I thought I had overcome all of that past stuff with one of my younger sisters, and even visited my oldest sister in NY last year. I took her to the awards reception at the Salmagundi Art Club with me. Big mistake! That triggered all of the old jealousies- and of course, the old, "I think I am better/ smarter than them." She has refused to speak to me since (although she will talk about me to anyone who will listen). It did not help that we visited my oldest son in PA who has a great job, a beautiful home and a great life. The younger sister, by the way, attacked me with all of the old accusations just a few months after Tod's funeral- no reason, just the same old, 'I think I am smarter and better' crap.

This is long enough so I will not write about the precipitating event (I was not involved but heard about it after the fact), but I finally wrote to both of my spiteful sisters that they are no longer a part of my life. I think over 50 years of being blamed is enough. I will never change their minds or their hearts. Those childhood myths are too deeply embedded and color their every feeling for me.

I still have my two youngest sisters. One was removed too young to be filled with all of that hateful nonsense and the other had a different mother and did not grow up hearing this stuff. I thought I could never- would never reach the point where I would choose to permanently remove them from my life, but I feel like a yoke has been lifted from me. I will no longer be defined by those childhood myths and accusations. I am free at last!

posted on June 12, 2010 10:47 AM ()

Comments:

My heart goes out to you. I had such a wonderful childhood - full of love and happiness. There is only the two of us - and we are living together again in the latter days of our life. Our parents were so good and loving. You are in my prayers. Nena
comment by nenah on June 24, 2010 8:05 AM ()
I agree with jd. Every person has the option either to let his misery define him or to move past it. Your sisters have allowed their early misfortunes to be an excuse for everything wrong with the present. Life has enough heartache....why drag along all the old from the past to add to the present. I admire you for rising above your situation while they chose not to. You did the right thing, though I know it must have been hard to do.My thoughts are with you during this difficult week of Tod's death.
comment by redimpala on June 22, 2010 6:10 AM ()
Moving on. Look to the future. That was then--this is now. Philosophies to live by. I think you're great!
comment by solitaire on June 19, 2010 7:31 AM ()
Why thank you! As I mentioned once before, I think they wrote a song about us.... "We- belong- to a mutual- admiration society." (Pretend you just heard me sing that.)
reply by dragonflyby on June 21, 2010 1:02 PM ()
I think you made the right decision, dottie. It perhaps was difficult to do, bit going on the same way wasnt ok as well.
Already 2 years ago Todd died, time flies. You're in my thoughts.
comment by itsjustme on June 14, 2010 7:44 AM ()
Thank you! Sometimes I think of myself as a slow learner because it took me 50 years to get to this point.
reply by dragonflyby on June 14, 2010 6:35 PM ()
((((((((((((((((((((Dottie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You have to take care of yourself and it is what it is....until the day they die they will blame you....you BROKE the CYCLE!!!!!
love Barb
comment by darkstar on June 13, 2010 11:33 AM ()
Yes, that is what I did. I always hoped that when they grew up they would come to understand that it was not my fault, but if they don't know that by their 50's and 60's.... I am a fool to have waited this long!
reply by dragonflyby on June 13, 2010 11:56 AM ()
Having sisters is hard. I am not close to my sister because she doesn't
want to be close to me and it hurts a little. My life is full without
the contact and yours is too Dottie. It takes energy and ambition and in
my case a lot of borrowed money to get an education. I don't see how
they could possibly blame you for reporting the abuse and going forward
with your life. You are better and smarter than they are. Enjoy your
freedom and shame on them for not being there for you when Tod died.
comment by elderjane on June 13, 2010 8:15 AM ()
Yes, it hurts, but for me it will hurt less than bearing the never-ending accusations and abuses. When they read my letters they will gloat for a little while. "Ha! We really got to her this time!" In time it will feel hollow because I will never interact or react again.
reply by dragonflyby on June 13, 2010 12:00 PM ()
nothing worse than a family in denial, more so your own sisters
comment by kevinshere on June 13, 2010 2:22 AM ()
Denial is what it is. The one sister has a son who is a sexual predator and a daughter who married a sexual predator. And the other... let's just say for them, the cycle continues.
reply by dragonflyby on June 13, 2010 12:04 PM ()
You definitely did the right thing. How sad that they cannot be proud of you and what you have accomplished instead of being envious and resentful. They will be unhappy all of their lives because that is what they want. I admire your courage.
comment by gapeach on June 12, 2010 1:08 PM ()
I cannot believe how much I allowed them to define me and limit my life! I cannot count the times I did not do something because I knew they would never understand.
reply by dragonflyby on June 13, 2010 12:08 PM ()
You are certainly correct when you say that you will never change their minds. It is up to each of them to choose to heal... unfortunately, it sounds as if it won't happen in time to matter.
comment by jjoohhnn on June 12, 2010 12:15 PM ()
Considering their childrens' lives (convicted sexual predators and felons) they will never heal, will never accept reality. They make excuses for their children but blame me? something is definitely wrong with that picture.
reply by dragonflyby on June 13, 2010 12:14 PM ()
I feel your pain, but you did the right thing. You had the ambition to get out and do better. They didn't.
comment by jondude on June 12, 2010 11:13 AM ()
It is sad. They could have done anything- become anything. We come from the same environment and had the same options and barriers before us.
reply by dragonflyby on June 13, 2010 12:16 PM ()

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