Loose Robes posted about H. L. Mencken, one of my favorite curmudgeons (even though he often wrote as if he disdained women. I forgive him because I can).

He mentioned Mencken had written a paragraph about marriage in one of his books, so I tried to find it. Instead I got a lot of quotes that I thought were funny so here they are. A couple are from Mencken, and the ones I like best are from Rita Rudner.


Among intelligent people the surest basis for marriage is friendship the sharing of real interests, the ability to fight out ideas together and understand each other's thoughts and dreams. --Khalil Gibran

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. --Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. --Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. --Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. --Milton Berle

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out. --Michel de Montaigne

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. --George Bernard Shaw

Any marriage, happy or unhappy, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate. --W.H. Auden

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets. --Ogden Nash

Marriage is a wonderful institution...if, of course, you like living in an institution. --Groucho Marx

I struggled with getting married. I was afraid of closing all those doors... What I didn't realize was that its like opening a door to a whole other batch of doors. --Jeff Bridges

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage --James Holt McGavran

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. --Rita Rudner

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it. --Anonymous

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? --Carrie Snow

You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being married to you. --Richard Needham

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --Socrates

One advantage of marriage It seems to me Is that when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in again. --Judith Viorst

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-- Henry Louis Mencken

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. --Oscar Wilde

Marriage is like a pair of shears. Oft times working in opposite directions, but punishing anyone that comes between them. --Sydney Smith

What you are as a single person, you will be as a married person, only to a greater degree. Any negative character trait will be intensified in a marriage relationship, because you will feel free to let your guard down -- that person has committed himself to you and you no longer have to worry about scaring him off. --Josh McDowell - Secrets of Loving

For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked. --Bill Cosby

The kind of marriage you make depends upon the kind of person you are. If you are a happy, well-adjusted person, the chances are your marriage will be a happy one. If you have made adjustments so far with more satisfaction than distress, you are likely to make, your marriage and family adjustments satisfactorily. If you are discontented and bitter about your lot in life, you will have to change before you can expect to live happily ever after. --Evelyn Duvall and Reuben Hill

Marriage -- as its veterans know well -- is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn't expected. --Tom Mullen

The middle years of marriage are the most crucial. In the early years, spouses want each other and in later years, they need each other. --Rebecca Tilly

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. --Katherine Hepburn

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. --Cher

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.
--Tom Mullen

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions. They are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. --George Bernard Shaw

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. --G. K. Chesterton

A man may be a fool and not know it -- but not if he is married. --H.L. Mencken

A man in love is incomplete until he has married.
Then he's finished. --Zsa Zsa Gabor

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner

Friendships, like marriages, are dependent on avoiding the
unforgivable. --John D. MacDonald

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.--Anonymous

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. --Erma Bombeck

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. --Erma Bombeck

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him. --Erma Bombeck

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
--Henny Youngman

Back of every achievement is a proud wife and a surprised
mother-in-law. --Brooks Hays

People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret
for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a
forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not
being Paul Newman. --Erma Bombeck

A good marriage develops not only by marrying the right
person, but also by being the right partner. --Anonymous

A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding
the right person at the right time. The rest is trust.
--Nanette Newman, British Actress

You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you can't live without. --Anonymous

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution yet. --Mae West

People stay married because they want to, not because the
doors are locked. --Paul Newman from the film 'Winning'

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person. --Germaine Greer (This is the one I believe in. T.)

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding
cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. --Ogden Nash

My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to
stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. --Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to
buy two separate books. --Alan King