When I awoke Saturday morning, around 6, Ed was not there. I peeked in the spare bedroom and found him. I did not wake him. From time to time he has so much trouble sleeping that he changes rooms so he can thrash around. I went for a walk, leaving him a note.

I walked to the park that I haven’t done in about three years. I am doing my workouts at home these days. I checked out my stretch and jump corner on the fishing pier. No fisher people were there. I always liked stretching alone. Now that I wear chinos instead of shorts to walk (because I had a melanoma, I am to always cover up), I have less freedom of movement for stretches. I did hoist up and hold for 30 seconds. Good for the arms.


I also learned that there is a gate at the park’s entry (a one-way road that circles the green) that is locked until 7 a.m. and about eight vehicles with boats in tow were waiting for it to open so they could drive to the ramp and launch for a day of fishing. My idea of fishing is to ask the counter guy to please fillet that. And it was all guys, not a female in sight. Seems to me there is a plan there that is not only about fishing.

One feeling I have when I wake up alone is to imagine what life would be like if something took Ed away. It’s scary. I no longer have close family to rely on (and Tula was too spacy to know when she was failing me, but, being close to her, just having her was important). My first cousins are in Illinois (and they won’t travel). Maybe I’d try to live again in New York, because it’s easier to talk where there are people who read, instead of birds and evangelicals.

Speaking of which, I know there are sites that seek to couple the devout and it occurred to me there might be sites for atheists. And, yes, there are. At least 5 that I saw in a quick look at what came up on Google. I put this out there for my sane friends who are single and want a mate. There are ads on TV for “Christian Singles”. The very name triggers my gag reflex. Why don’t the atheists advertise? I should add I sometimes get e mails from these sites and I have written them to say I'd rather eat worms and die than date anyone who identifies by his faith. But I still wind up back on their hit list.

Anyway, when I walked, it was so early that I saw no one. Here is another early morning fantasy as I walk without an iPod. An alien from another planet has launched the ultimate annihilation cloud, killing all living things on earth. But I am spared because earlier, I had dropped an earring or my candy bar into a deep hole and gone down to get it. Hey, It could happen. So, joy, everything I want is mine. I find a car, I find keys, I drive to New York, changing cars along the way because I am still sketchy about how to gas up. Okay, I’ve got to play catchup on that. I come from the culture where the guy comes out of the convenience store and asks you regular or premium and then he spritzes the windshield and wipes the bugs off. (sob) I drive straight to Steinway on 57th St., or to the outfit that took over Mason-Hamlin. I break in if I have to, and eat and drink fine pianos until I go belly up.

When I got back, Ed was still asleep. It’s Saturday. The pure in heart sleep. Also, when I talk about such fantasies, the pure in heart find my stream of consciousness daunting so I spare him.

xx, Teal