Jon Adams

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Jon Adams
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A Minority Of One

Life & Events > A Little Post on Responsibility ...
 

A Little Post on Responsibility ...

I read many posts and emails about bad times, awful luck, how rotten life has become, and general missives on the subject of being a victim. I think we all feel those same feelings now and again in our lives. I have felt that way before.

We want to blame someone or some thing for our conditions. It is only human to want to do that.

Going through my divorce, the sale of my home of 23 years and the financial disaster that those actions brought, I did a lot of blaming and finger-pointing. I still have nightmares about it, the times when I kept losing weight, getting sued by creditors, showing up in court with my half-drunk attorney.

Then I started realigning things and went into a one-year retreat on my sister's rural ranch in California. I spent most of that time trying to finish the marriage off and trying to reinvent my life. During that episode it occurred to me that everything that has ever happened to me in my entire life was basically my own fault.

That revelation changed my universe.

Once I grasped the concept, the rest was easy. I quit blaming the whore ex-wife, the IRS, the government guys, the lawyers, the crazy speed-freak woman who tried to kill me with her three-ton S.U.V., the kid who stole my bicycle, the U.S. Army (and Charlie, the Vietcong guy), the Soviet Union, the professor who rejected my first Master's thesis seven times, Satan, Sigmund Freud, and a whole list of other people and entities who populated my Shat List. I realized that at nearly every turn in my life I could have easily made better decisions and thereby avoided all those troubles!

The concept of admitting our responsibility for making bad choices is an old school concept. Psychiatrists and analysts these days preach the doctrine "It's Not Your Fault." Except for most medical situations (other than being overweight or bad dietary habits) that is total Bullshat! Everything is our fault.

We all make bad choices, decisions on life's path that put us right where we were heading and where are today. I sure did. I have spent some time analyzing those "forks in the road" on my own life's path and I can detail many, many times where I screwed up.

They were all my fault and I accept it.

The best thing to do is to own up to our dumb bunny choices, learn from them, and go on with life without making the past the present.

I'm done. Class dismissed.

posted on Apr 7, 2008 5:33 PM ()

Comments:

Excellent post. I have to admit I was very much like you. When my husband and I seperated for the first year I felt like poor me, why does everything bad happen to me. Not saying that what he did was ok but the second year of seperation my thought process changed and I became a much stronger person. After two years we got back together and that was 16 years ago. I was a spoiled child and I finally grew up.
comment by gapeach on Apr 27, 2008 10:11 AM ()
Absolutely! Great post, Jon... Do you give talks? I think some schools would be willing to pay you to speak at an assembly...
comment by sunlight on Apr 9, 2008 11:50 PM ()
Thank goodness class is over! I was almost ready to believe your rant!
comment by redimpala on Apr 8, 2008 7:03 PM ()
Thanks, Jondude!
comment by sexysadie on Apr 8, 2008 10:59 AM ()
Albert Ellis, the psychologist, wrote a book saying essentially the same thing, that we are responsible for our own choices, our own lives. It isn't just what happens, either, it's also how we respond to what happens. I own my bad choices, I do have some regrets. Anyway sometimes shat just happens and it isn't yours or anyone's fault. That's also part of the equation.
comment by tealstar on Apr 8, 2008 9:38 AM ()
And then of course there are those who never learn from their crappy choices. Seems like some people are just gluttons for punishment. I hope at my stage of the game that I've learned something along the way to make me wiser than I was before. Good post, jondude
comment by teacherwoman on Apr 8, 2008 6:31 AM ()
good post, jon. most of the things that are wrong with me physically are of my own doing because I didn't take care of myself at a younger age. And I can't blame my fam damily, space aliens, the gub'ment, a--hole boyfriends or anything else. My life is a mess because I made it thus.

reguards
yer finding a new maturity in my twilight years pal
bugg
comment by honeybugg on Apr 8, 2008 5:16 AM ()
Well said! Our lives are the product of our choices and our enabling of those around us to take control at times. If shat happens, as you say, the blame must be put on my doorstep, not someone else's.
comment by angiedw on Apr 8, 2008 3:09 AM ()
I was always one of those people who seemed to only learn via the "hard way." I never listened to what my parents, my minister or Sunday School teacher, or any other teacher told me. I never listened to my own good sense. Yep.. I made many bad choices and that is why I am where I am. I like where I am, but maybe.... just maybe... I could have been in a better place in my life if I weren't so bull headed.

Good blog, Jon. Now... do I get an "A" in the class?

Annie :o)
comment by anniel on Apr 7, 2008 8:48 PM ()
I couldn't agree more. Great post!
comment by mellowdee on Apr 7, 2008 8:43 PM ()
comment by dkelly on Apr 7, 2008 8:03 PM ()
ADDENDUM: The victim attitude is probably a product of the school of "Self Esteem." It has been taught in the preschool and elementary schools since the 1960's, with rotten results. When young people fail, they can't cope with it. After all, life has been all about "self esteem." Tough love is needed to deal with the Self and its failures. Self confidence is not "self esteem." The latter is a mirage in a desert of psychobabble. You cannot control or solve a problem by making somebody feel good. You can't control or solve a problem by telling them is isn't their fault.

Truth is a loser these days.
comment by jondude on Apr 7, 2008 7:36 PM ()
Excellent points...truly excellent...I guess what we believe we do become, it's all a matter of perception
comment by strider333 on Apr 7, 2008 6:57 PM ()
I learned to take responsibilities for ALL MY actions (and my feelings) 41 years ago--the best lesson I have ever learned
comment by greatmartin on Apr 7, 2008 6:37 PM ()
comment by marta on Apr 7, 2008 6:18 PM ()
I love how you no longer blame the ##### ex-wife...but still refer to her as "The ##### ex-wife."
comment by hawkwoman on Apr 7, 2008 6:07 PM ()
Yeah I know, I just watched a scary movie, sipping my hot milk now and squeeling at every bump in the night here
comment by lynnie on Apr 7, 2008 6:05 PM ()
Right On, Jondude! You are so right.
comment by sexysadie on Apr 7, 2008 6:02 PM ()
Real life experiences do play a big part in who we become. I had to own up a few times to myself and others about many things although it didn't make me feel any better, what choices I make now make all the difference.
comment by lynnie on Apr 7, 2008 5:48 PM ()
The best thing to do is to own up to our dumb bunny choices, learn from them, and go on with life without making the past the present.

So true Jon.
comment by texastar on Apr 7, 2008 5:38 PM ()
good point jon. except for the people who feel they are never wrong.
comment by elkhound on Apr 7, 2008 5:35 PM ()

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