Chris called today from the shaky side, sometimes called "Kal-ee'forn-ee-yuh." He was on the cell in his car driving through serious horizontal rain. "What is your Scotch situation, Jon?"

I replied that I own a bottle of Laphroaig and part of another. He asked for my preference for the gifts he will send me. I mentioned the Bowmore 12 Year Old and a possible Lagavulin.

Then we talked about business, cats, dogs (they have three Labs and two cats. The cats rule the house) and signed off.

I depend on my friends and business people to keep me in single malts. I have good friends.

This year I left several Christmas decor boxes unopened. This will be policy. I am cutting down. I will always have a tree and some things, but the four or five days of decorating are down to one and a half.

On Christmas morning I have coffee, feed the felines, bring down the bird, put on whatever TV Christmas thing is happening, and shxx, shave and shower, go get my mother and bring her to my place.

Then I get her a coffee, sit her down in the front room, go retrieve the cats' gift bags from the stairwell closet, and the fun begins.

The bags are smallish paper bags with handles, confetti, excelsior, and are packed with new toys, bags of treats, loose catnip and lots of grins.

They approach the bags, select which one each cat likes, and then they tip them over or rip out the contents. Now the catnip is not essential but it makes the glee more pronounced.

It is always the best laugh. It is frantic! They roll, play, lick, crawl around, scoot the toys, eat at the bags, sometimes get into a scrap over something, and eventually get so tired they fall asleep on the floor.

They love it.

Then I take Mom to visit her three brothers. After that I either return her to Autumnwood Care Center for their dinner, or we go to a relative's place (if invited) for the dinner. I usually have baked a giant pie or two. This year I am doing cakes.

I am making a German Chocolate cake and another one that is yet to be decided.

Here, I am the decider.

Now that I must watch what I consume due to the gall bladder (of all the goddamned gall!) I will only have a small slice, thank you.

Some people have a very difficult time over food. They eat too much of it. They get and remain overweight.

You only have to eat as much as it requires to maintain human form and function. So why overeat?

I can entirely stop eating if I wish... but why? When I read the diet I must maintain because of the gall bladder, I immediately tossed out the things I could not eat.

Well, I gave most of them away. I took several unopened butter packages, some meat and eggs and cheese to a neighbor. Then I went out and got the right things.

No problem.

Food is nothing but fuel. I could give it up entirely except that it would result in my disincorporation as a sentient being. Who wants to do that?!

When faced with too much food I simply decide to not consume all of it. Many times I have left food on the plate or the table.

I never go through drive-throughs or fast food places. They are the fattiest and unhealthiest foods available! I go to McDonalds' for the cheap good senior 60 cent coffee, and that's all.

No problem.

All it takes is the decision. It isn't a matter of will power to me. It is just common sense.

So when I am dining at a relative's table, I scan the fare for what I want and decide how much I will take. It is uncouth to leave food on the plate when dining as a guest. So my plate is cleaned off, but I never over eat.

At home, post divorce, it took me many months to regulate how much I would cook. I was used to cooking for two humans, and it came down to just me and maybe the occasional other female guest. So I had to begin using the common sense that turned a cup of rice into a half cup, and a 20 ounce steak into a ten ounce one.

Christmas this year will be a small slice of the cake, please.

I want to make scalloped oysters but I am the only human hereabouts who enjoys an oyster casserole. Maybe I'll make one just for me, a small one.

And the Scotch!

Ah. I have very good friends.